Cover Snark (186): Snark in All the Wrong Places

Welcome to Cover Snark, where the people are snarky and the covers quiver in fear. Since I don’t write many snarky book reviews here on A Reader of Fictions, Cover Snark is my outlet. If you click on the title of the book, where possible, I’ve linked to Goodreads. Clicking on the cover itself will show you the cover in a larger size, in most cases. Feel free to love covers I hate and vice versa. Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

Please note that you should by no means contact the author if you do not like their cover; they likely have ZERO control. Feel free to express opinions in the comments, but please do not @ an author on Twitter because of anything you’ve seen here. Let’s keep it kind.

Shiny and New:

1. The Trouble with Henry and Zoe – Andy Jones
The Trouble with Henry and Zoe - Andy Jones
Thoughts: They refuse to use the bike lanes, those rabblerousers.

2. Beneath Wandering Stars – Ashlee Cowles
Beneath Wandering Stars - Ashlee Cowles
Thoughts: What a half-assed star cover.

3. Mark of the Plague (Blackthorn Key #2) – Kevin Sands
Mark of the Plague (Blackthorn Key #2) - Kevin Sands
Thoughts: I need to go look for a redesigned cover of book one. Caduseeyoulater.

4. The Bird and the Sword – Amy Harmon
The Bird and the Sword - Amy Harmon
Thoughts: Intriguing tagline with a weird viewpoint. There’s a nice dark mood to this cover. Approve.

5. The Inquisitor’s Tale: Or, The Three Magical Children and Their Holy Dog – Adam Gidwitz
The Inquisitor's Tale - Adam Gidwitz
Thoughts: OH MY DOG, this is a delight, even if it’s not my favorite art style.

6. Intensity (Chronicles of Nick #10) – Sherrilyn Kenyon
Intensity (Chronicles of Nick #10) - Sherrilyn Kenyon
Thoughts: They missed out on a prime pun opportunity by not saving this title for book ten.

7. The Radius of Us – Marie Marquardt
The Radius of Us - Marie Marquardt
Thoughts: Interracial couple! Why do some of the dots go through the title and some not? This bothers me.

8. Factory Girl – Josanne La Valley
Factory Girl - Josanne La Valley
Thoughts: That font is so hard to read. And I wish I could see Roshen better.

9. The Life Fantastic – Liza Ketchum
The Life Fantastic - Liza Ketchum
Thoughts: Cover in general is not reaching fantastic, but the tagline’s intriguing.

10. Before the Snow (Stealing the Snow #0.1) – Danielle Paige
Before the Snow - Danielle Paige
Thoughts: If you loved Frozen, please buy this book (even though it is nothing like Frozen).

11. Queen Rising (Stealing Snow #0.2) – Danielle Paige
Queen Rising - Danielle Paige
Thoughts: You know what’s also popular? Red Queen. Please buy this book when it comes out.

12. Queens of Geek – Jen Wilde
Queens of Geek - Jen Wilde
Thoughts: Man, I wish work would let me dye my hair pink or blue or rainbow or something.

13. The Stranger Game – Cylin Busby
The Stranger Game - Cylin Busby
Thoughts: Harper, what is this? Your cover game is usually so much stronger. Say it with me guys: REDESIGN.

14. Dragon Captives (The Unwanteds Quests) – Lisa McMann
Dragon Captives (The Unwanteds Quests) - Lisa McMann
Thoughts: I mean, being a dragon’s captive is still better than no dragons.

15. Willows vs. Wolverines – Alison Cherry
Willows vs. Wolverines - Alison Cherry
Thoughts: Look at these girls dominating the boys. Heck yes.

16. Blame – Simon Mayo
Blame - Simon Mayo
Thoughts: YOU CANNOT MAKE ME GO BACK TO MIDDLE SCHOOL, TAGLINE. YOU CANNOT.

17. Cogheart – Peter Bunzl
Cogheart - Peter Bunzl
Thoughts: The scene-stealer of this adorable cover is the fox for sure.

18. Hair in All The Wrong Places – Andrew Buckley
Hair In All The Wrong Places - Andrew Buckley
Thoughts: Bahahahaha. I am much amused.

19. Double Eclipse (Summer on East End #2) – Melissa de la Cruz
Double Eclipse (Summer on East End #2) - Melissa de la Cruz
Thoughts: This reminds me of the redesigned covers for Jessica Spotswood’s books. And that is not a compliment.

20. The Elders (Foxcraft #2) – Inbali Iserles
The Elders - Inbali Iserles
Thoughts: That fox’s face says “get the fuck away from my kits or I will murder your face.”

21. The Crown of the Queen (Twelve Kingdoms #3.6) – Jeffe Kennedy
The Crown of the Queen (Twelve Kingdoms #3.6) - Jeffe Kennedy
Thoughts: Self-pub cover be like step up, traditional publishing.

22. A Plague of Swords (The Traitor Son Cycle #4) – Miles Cameron
Plague of Swords - Miles Cameron
Thoughts: Looks more like a tentacle plague.

23. Back Off, I’m a Ninja – Natalie Whipple
Back Off, I'm a Ninja - Natalie Whipple
Thoughts: Beware the flat-footed squat.

24. You Throw Like a Girl – Rachele Alpine
You Throw Like a Girl - Rachele Alpine
Thoughts: Now I’m thinking of that commercial and crying. WHY WAS I GIVEN EMOTIONS.

25. Siren Sisters – Dana Langer
Siren Sisters - Dana Langer
Thoughts: Lol, fuck you, boat.

26. Just My Luck (Zack Delacruz #2) – Jeff Anderson
Zack Delacruz Just My Luck - Jeff Anderson
Thoughts: His enemy sent him glitter.

27. Yesternight – Cat Winters
Yesternight - Cat Winters
Thoughts: Gorgeous. I want that dress fiercely and I can’t even see all of it.

28. Purge – Kat Ellis
Purge - Kat Ellis
Thoughts: If you’re trying to escape, glow in the dark lipstick may not be the best choice.

29. A Place of Stone and Shadow (Strands #3) – Jane Nickerson
A Place of Stone and Shadow - Jane Nickerson
Thoughts: They did a pretty good job keeping this in line with Random House’s covers but it’s not quite as shiny and lovely.

30. Game On: Video Game History from Pong and Pac-Man to Mario, Minecraft and More – Dustin Hansen
Game On Video Game History from Pong and Pac-Man to Mario, Minecraft and More
Thoughts: Look at the little Mario!

31. A Long Cold Winter (The Witch Who Came in from the Cold #1) – Max Gladstone & Lindsay Smith
A Long Cold Winter (The Witch Who Came in from the Cold #1) - Max Gladstone & Lindsay Smith
Thoughts: There are WAY too many covers in this serial for me to feature them all, but they’re lovely and worth checking out.

32. From the Editorial Page of the Falchester Weekly Review (Lady Trent #4.5) – Marie Brennan
From the Editorial Page of the Falchester Weekly Review (Lady Trent) - Marie Brennan
Thoughts: Dear lord, the Lady Trent covers are some of the most beauteous things to ever happen to cover art even when they’re focusing on these weird turkey vulture things.

33. Orphan Pirates of the Spanish Main – Dennis Danvers
Orphan Pirates of the Spanish Main - Dennis Danvers
Thoughts: Alien Pirates.

34. Once More into the Abyss – Dennis Danvers
Once More into the Abyss - Dennis Danvers
Thoughts: I don’t know. I think I’d rather stay with all the food and tiny dogs.

35. Traumphysik – Monica Byrne
Traumphysik - Monica Byrne
Thoughts: This person looks like they’re made of books. I wonder if that’s what I look like in dream physics.

36. Weight of the Dead – Brian Hodge
Weight of the Dead - Brian Hodge
Thoughts: I always assumed dead weight was more than leaves.

37. Typecasting – Harry Turtledove
Typecasting - Harry Turtledove
Thoughts: All he can find are roles as Gumby.

38. Chains – A.J. Hartley
Chains - A.J. Hartley
Thoughts: At some point, everything I see will stop reminding of something that happened on Top Model but today is not that day.

39. The Art of Space Travel – Nina Allen
The Art of Space Travel - Nina Allen
Thoughts: Librarian in space!

40. Sic Semper, Sic Semper, Sic Semper – Douglas F. Warrick
Sic Semper, Sic Semper, Sic Semper - Douglas F. Warrick
Thoughts: Oh Sic Semper, my Sic Semper.

41. The Secret of Goldenrod – Jane O’Reilly
The Secret of Goldenrod - Jane O'Reilly
Thoughts: Amber waves of graaaaaaain. This is the American dream. Of the 1800s.

42. Graveyard Slot (The Kat Sinclair Files #2) – Michelle Schusterman
The Kat Sinclair Files Graveyard Slot (The Kat Sinclair Files #) - Michelle Schusterman
Thoughts: Is this secretly by and/or about Cuddlebuggery or?

43. Sacrifice (Serpentine #2) – Cindy Pon
Sacrifice - Cindy Pon
Thoughts: Does she have a snake body? It looks like she has a snake body.

44. After the Fall – Kate Hart
After the Fall - Kate Hart
Thoughts: Clearly this is before the fall, unless she fell from heaven like some cheesy pickup line.

45. The Shadows We Know by Heart – Jennifer Park
The Shadows We Know by Heart - Jennifer Park
Thoughts: What a weird pose in to stand in underneath that tree.

46. Sad Perfect – Stephanie Elliot
Sad Perfect - Stephanie Elliot
Thoughts: Sad. Not perfect.

Cover Battles:

1. The Blackthorn Key (The Blackthorn Key #1) – Kevin Sands

The Blackthorn Key - Kevin Sands
The Blackthorn Key (The Blackthorn Key #1) - Kevin Sands

US Hardback vs. US Paperback: This does look slicker, though I loathe that tagline. Especially since it’s EXACTLY THE SAME on books one and two.

2. Unplugged (The Wired #1) – Donna Freitas

Unplugged - Donna Freitas
Unplugged - Donna Freitas

US Take 1 vs. US Take 2: Vast improvement for sure. That’s an odd dress, though. And both covers are pretty five years ago but still better imo.

3. Empire of Storms (Throne of Glass #5) – Sarah J. Maas

Empire of Storms - Sarah J. Maas
Empire of Storms - Sarah J. Maas US

UK vs. US: That fire looks so much better on the dark background. Heyyyyy, girl, you looking hot and badass as always.

4. The Fate of the Tearling (The Queen of the Tearling #3) – Erika Johansen

The Fate of the Tearling (The Queen of the Tearling #3) - Erika Johansen
The Fate of the Tearling - Erika Johansen

US vs. UK: It’s an improvement on the US cover, but man this series is on the cover design strugglebus.

WTF of the Week:

WTF of the Week began as a special category for one cover I saw, but was so popular it became a recurring feature. Here, I highlight covers, both new and old, that I’ve found, which, upon viewing, made me either snort or say something along the lines of “Dear God, what is that thing?”

1. Revenge (Tube Riders #3) – Chris Ward
Revenge (Tube Riders #3) - Chris Ward
Thoughts: HAAAAA, the train looks like that guy’s nose. And how dirty does tube riders sound??

2. The Phoenix Embryo (Seasons of the Phoenix #1) – Jeanne Marcella
The Phoenix Embryo (Seasons of the Phoenix #1) - Jeanne Marcella
Thoughts: Does that phoenix have a prehensile tail?!?!?! Also, I’m pretty sure it’s a baby chick on fire?!?!?! But someone brough the mama some flowers, which is nice, I guess.

3. The Pirate Tales and Adventures of Jollier Roger and the Dice of Fate (Jollier Roger #2) – Steven M. Vincent
The Pirate Tales and Adventures of Jollier Roger and the Dice of Fate (Jollier Roger #2) - Steven M. Vincent
Thoughts: SHARKMANPUS.

One response to “Cover Snark (186): Snark in All the Wrong Places”

  1. Ms. Yingling says:

    Wow. I found a lot of books to add to my TBR in this post. Thanks for putting it together, snark and all!

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