Welcome to Cover Snark, where the people are snarky and the covers quiver in fear. Since I don’t write many snarky book reviews here on A Reader of Fictions, Cover Snark is my outlet. If you click on the title of the book, where possible, I’ve linked to Goodreads. Clicking on the cover itself will show you the cover in a larger size, in most cases. Feel free to love covers I hate and vice versa. Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

Please note that you should by no means contact the author if you do not like their cover; they likely have ZERO control. Feel free to express opinions in the comments, but please do not @ an author on Twitter because of anything you’ve seen here. Let’s keep it kind.

Shiny and New:

1. The Trouble with Henry and Zoe - Andy Jones

Thoughts: They refuse to use the bike lanes, those rabblerousers.

2. Beneath Wandering Stars - Ashlee Cowles

Thoughts: What a half-assed star cover.

3. Mark of the Plague (Blackthorn Key #2) - Kevin Sands

Thoughts: I need to go look for a redesigned cover of book one. Caduseeyoulater.

4. The Bird and the Sword - Amy Harmon

Thoughts: Intriguing tagline with a weird viewpoint. There’s a nice dark mood to this cover. Approve.

5. The Inquisitor’s Tale: Or, The Three Magical Children and Their Holy Dog - Adam Gidwitz

Thoughts: OH MY DOG, this is a delight, even if it’s not my favorite art style.

6. Intensity (Chronicles of Nick #10) - Sherrilyn Kenyon

Thoughts: They missed out on a prime pun opportunity by not saving this title for book ten.

7. The Radius of Us - Marie Marquardt

Thoughts: Interracial couple! Why do some of the dots go through the title and some not? This bothers me.

8. Factory Girl - Josanne La Valley

Thoughts: That font is so hard to read. And I wish I could see Roshen better.

9. The Life Fantastic - Liza Ketchum

Thoughts: Cover in general is not reaching fantastic, but the tagline’s intriguing.

10. Before the Snow (Stealing the Snow #0.1) - Danielle Paige

Thoughts: If you loved Frozen, please buy this book (even though it is nothing like Frozen).

11. Queen Rising (Stealing Snow #0.2) - Danielle Paige

Thoughts: You know what’s also popular? Red Queen. Please buy this book when it comes out.

12. Queens of Geek - Jen Wilde

Thoughts: Man, I wish work would let me dye my hair pink or blue or rainbow or something.

13. The Stranger Game - Cylin Busby

Thoughts: Harper, what is this? Your cover game is usually so much stronger. Say it with me guys: REDESIGN.

14. Dragon Captives (The Unwanteds Quests) - Lisa McMann

Thoughts: I mean, being a dragon’s captive is still better than no dragons.

15. Willows vs. Wolverines - Alison Cherry

Thoughts: Look at these girls dominating the boys. Heck yes.

16. Blame - Simon Mayo

Thoughts: YOU CANNOT MAKE ME GO BACK TO MIDDLE SCHOOL, TAGLINE. YOU CANNOT.

17. Cogheart - Peter Bunzl

Thoughts: The scene-stealer of this adorable cover is the fox for sure.

18. Hair in All The Wrong Places - Andrew Buckley

Thoughts: Bahahahaha. I am much amused.

19. Double Eclipse (Summer on East End #2) - Melissa de la Cruz

Thoughts: This reminds me of the redesigned covers for Jessica Spotswood’s books. And that is not a compliment.

20. The Elders (Foxcraft #2) - Inbali Iserles

Thoughts: That fox’s face says “get the fuck away from my kits or I will murder your face.”

21. The Crown of the Queen (Twelve Kingdoms #3.6) - Jeffe Kennedy

Thoughts: Self-pub cover be like step up, traditional publishing.

22. A Plague of Swords (The Traitor Son Cycle #4) - Miles Cameron

Thoughts: Looks more like a tentacle plague.

23. Back Off, I’m a Ninja - Natalie Whipple

Thoughts: Beware the flat-footed squat.

24. You Throw Like a Girl - Rachele Alpine

Thoughts: Now I’m thinking of that commercial and crying. WHY WAS I GIVEN EMOTIONS.

25. Siren Sisters - Dana Langer

Thoughts: Lol, fuck you, boat.

26. Just My Luck (Zack Delacruz #2) - Jeff Anderson

Thoughts: His enemy sent him glitter.

27. Yesternight - Cat Winters

Thoughts: Gorgeous. I want that dress fiercely and I can’t even see all of it.

28. Purge - Kat Ellis

Thoughts: If you’re trying to escape, glow in the dark lipstick may not be the best choice.

29. A Place of Stone and Shadow (Strands #3) - Jane Nickerson

Thoughts: They did a pretty good job keeping this in line with Random House’s covers but it’s not quite as shiny and lovely.

30. Game On: Video Game History from Pong and Pac-Man to Mario, Minecraft and More - Dustin Hansen

Thoughts: Look at the little Mario!

31. A Long Cold Winter (The Witch Who Came in from the Cold #1) - Max Gladstone & Lindsay Smith

Thoughts: There are WAY too many covers in this serial for me to feature them all, but they’re lovely and worth checking out.

32. From the Editorial Page of the Falchester Weekly Review (Lady Trent #4.5) - Marie Brennan

Thoughts: Dear lord, the Lady Trent covers are some of the most beauteous things to ever happen to cover art even when they’re focusing on these weird turkey vulture things.

33. Orphan Pirates of the Spanish Main - Dennis Danvers

Thoughts: Alien Pirates.

34. Once More into the Abyss - Dennis Danvers

Thoughts: I don’t know. I think I’d rather stay with all the food and tiny dogs.

35. Traumphysik - Monica Byrne

Thoughts: This person looks like they’re made of books. I wonder if that’s what I look like in dream physics.

36. Weight of the Dead - Brian Hodge

Thoughts: I always assumed dead weight was more than leaves.

37. Typecasting - Harry Turtledove

Thoughts: All he can find are roles as Gumby.

38. Chains - A.J. Hartley

Thoughts: At some point, everything I see will stop reminding of something that happened on Top Model but today is not that day.

39. The Art of Space Travel - Nina Allen

Thoughts: Librarian in space!

40. Sic Semper, Sic Semper, Sic Semper - Douglas F. Warrick

Thoughts: Oh Sic Semper, my Sic Semper.

41. The Secret of Goldenrod - Jane O’Reilly

Thoughts: Amber waves of graaaaaaain. This is the American dream. Of the 1800s.

42. Graveyard Slot (The Kat Sinclair Files #2) - Michelle Schusterman

Thoughts: Is this secretly by and/or about Cuddlebuggery or?

43. Sacrifice (Serpentine #2) - Cindy Pon

Thoughts: Does she have a snake body? It looks like she has a snake body.

44. After the Fall - Kate Hart

Thoughts: Clearly this is before the fall, unless she fell from heaven like some cheesy pickup line.

45. The Shadows We Know by Heart - Jennifer Park

Thoughts: What a weird pose in to stand in underneath that tree.

46. Sad Perfect - Stephanie Elliot

Thoughts: Sad. Not perfect.

Cover Battles:

1. The Blackthorn Key (The Blackthorn Key #1) - Kevin Sands

US Hardback vs. US Paperback: This does look slicker, though I loathe that tagline. Especially since it’s EXACTLY THE SAME on books one and two.

2. Unplugged (The Wired #1) - Donna Freitas

US Take 1 vs. US Take 2: Vast improvement for sure. That’s an odd dress, though. And both covers are pretty five years ago but still better imo.

3. Empire of Storms (Throne of Glass #5) - Sarah J. Maas

UK vs. US: That fire looks so much better on the dark background. Heyyyyy, girl, you looking hot and badass as always.

4. The Fate of the Tearling (The Queen of the Tearling #3) - Erika Johansen

US vs. UK: It’s an improvement on the US cover, but man this series is on the cover design strugglebus.

WTF of the Week:

WTF of the Week began as a special category for one cover I saw, but was so popular it became a recurring feature. Here, I highlight covers, both new and old, that I’ve found, which, upon viewing, made me either snort or say something along the lines of “Dear God, what is that thing?”

1. Revenge (Tube Riders #3) - Chris Ward

Thoughts: HAAAAA, the train looks like that guy’s nose. And how dirty does tube riders sound??

2. The Phoenix Embryo (Seasons of the Phoenix #1) - Jeanne Marcella

Thoughts: Does that phoenix have a prehensile tail?!?!?! Also, I’m pretty sure it’s a baby chick on fire?!?!?! But someone brough the mama some flowers, which is nice, I guess.

3. The Pirate Tales and Adventures of Jollier Roger and the Dice of Fate (Jollier Roger #2) - Steven M. Vincent

Thoughts: SHARKMANPUS.

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