Cover Snark (219): Snark Is Really Happening

Welcome to Cover Snark, where the people are snarky and the covers quiver in fear. Since I don’t write many snarky book reviews here on A Reader of Fictions, Cover Snark is my outlet. If you click on the title of the book, where possible, I’ve linked to Goodreads. Clicking on the cover itself will show you the cover in a larger size, in most cases. Feel free to love covers I hate and vice versa. Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

Please note that you should by no means contact the author if you do not like their cover; they likely have ZERO control. Feel free to express opinions of the covers in the comments, but please do not @ an author on Twitter because of anything you’ve seen here.

Shiny and New:

1. Edgeland – Jake Halpern & Peter Kujawinski

Thoughts: Sharp rocks at the bottom? Bring it on.

2. My Future Ex-Girlfriend – Jake Gerhardt

Thoughts: It’s a wonder he can’t keep girlfriends with this level of game.

3. Felix Yz – Lisa Bunker

Thoughts: This cover is remarkably phallic.

4. This Is Really Happening – Erin Chack

Thoughts: Deck the hens with strings of twinkle lights.

5. Monsterland – James Crowley

Thoughts: That dog better not die.

6. No Good Deed – Goldy Moldavsky

Thoughts: Robo-captain? Do you not realize That by destroying the human race Because of their destructive tendencies We too have become like.. Well, it’s ironic.

7. Washed Ashore – Kerr Thomson

Thoughts: This sounds even sadder than Free Willy.

8. Into the Hurricane – Neil Connelly

Thoughts: Tyra would be so displeased at his floppy modeling.

9. A Promising Life – Emily Arnold McCully

Thoughts: Will life treet her well?

10. The Wrong Train: Stories to Make You Miss Your Stop – Jeremy de Quidt

Thoughts: This just makes me giggle because it’s all horrory looking but then its evil is making you miss your stop.

11. Keys to the City – Lisa Schroeder

Thoughts: This is SO close to being fucking adorable, but they do not remotely look like they’re standing on that grass. Also, I’m not an expert on New York, but I question the realistic nature of this background.

12. Dirt – Denise Gosliner Orenstein

Thoughts: All other cover designers should probably give up because is there really anything more amazing than a pony on a couch eating a shoe? (I mean, okay, those couch cushions aren’t remotely dipping under the weight of a pony eating a shoe but come on.)

13. Crushed (Happily Ever Afterlife #2) – Orli Zuravicky

Thoughts: They’re all so grumpy except for the girl who’s obviously the bully bitch (I love her).

14. Fairest of Them All – Sarah Darer Littman

Thoughts: This looks like a fractured fairy tale from Rocky & Bullwinkle!!!

15. A Kingdom Rises (Crown of Three #) – J.D. Rinehart

Thoughts: Both that girl and her horse have excellent back-the-fuck-off stares.

16. Exit Strategy – Lauren Allbright

Thoughts: TPeace out.

17. Rise of the Robot Army (Miles Taylor and the Golden Cape #) – Robert Venditti

Thoughts: You break it, you robought it.

18. Riptide Summer (Honey Girl #2) – Lisa Freeman

Thoughts: Obviously, the tagline should have been “this book will carry you away no matter how much you struggle.”

19. Speed of Life – Carol Weston

Thoughts: Appropriate that the center parts of the letters are colored in because that’s what I did when I was maximum level bored in class in middle school.

20. Jelly Bean Summer – Joyce Magnin

Thoughts: Is her tent on the ROOF? Not to sound like an old lady, but that just cannot be safe.

21. The Long Ride Home – Tawni Waters

Thoughts: Kids, don’t try this at home.

22. Paper Hearts – Ali Novak

Thoughts: Something about them is infuriating (though I’m sure the models are lovely people inside and out), but the background is precious.

23. The Revenge – Hannah Jayne

Thoughts: ALLEY BE BACK.

24. Sleeper – MacKenzie Cadenhead

Thoughts: I’m over drowning girl covers, but, as they go, this is surprisingly pleasant.

25. The Way It Hurts – Patty Blount

Thoughts: This looks uplifting.

26. The Gold-Son – Carrie Anne Noble

Thoughts: Oh. My. Gold.

27. The Stars Beneath Our Feet – David Barclay Moore

Thoughts: The Legos Beneath Our Feet.

28. The Eye of the North – Sinéad O’Hart

Thoughts: It’s really distressing how much cooler the kids on middle grade covers are than I am.

Cover Battles:

1. 13 Reasons Why – Jay Asher

US Hardback vs. US Paperback vs. US 10th Anniversary vs. US Media Tie-In: It just ain’t got that swing.

2. Summerlost – Ally Condie

US Hardback vs. US Paperback: The paperback just looks so mopey, though I do love the tree.

3. Akata Witch (Akata Witch #1) – Nnedi Okorafor

US Redesign Take 1 vs. US Redesign Take 2: I suppose I mildly prefer the change to brighter font colors, but was it worth it?

4. Akata Warrior (Akata Witch #2) – Nnedi Okorafor

US Take 1 vs. US Take 2: What was the point????

5. Moon Princess – Barbara Laban

UK vs. US: Yeah, I’ll definitely take the cover with a POC, rather than the one with just a white girl and a bunch of Chinese influence.

6. Dragon’s Green (Worldquake Sequence #1) – Scarlett Thomas

Scottish vs. US: Books AND Dragons? The US cover is not playing fair.

7. Secrets, Lies, and Scandals – Amanda K. Morgan

US Hardback vs. US Paperback: Domino covers will always make me think of The Book Thief, which isn’t probably the vibe this is going for.

8. Three Truths and a Lie – Brent Hartinger

US Hardback vs. US Paperback: Thank goodness, because that hardback cover is boring as fuck. Not that I’m in love with this design, but anything is a vast improvement.

9. Cherry – Lindsey Rosin

US Hardback vs. US Paperback: Still not the cover this book deserves (aka perfection), but SOOOO much better than the hardback.

10. The Duke of Bannerman Prep – Katie A. Nelson

US Take 1 vs. US Take 2: Still nothing to write home about, but it is an improvement on the shitty and unoriginal Take 1.

11. The Hush – Skye Melki-Wegner

Australian vs. US: OMFG, Australia, what the fuck is that?

12. The List – Patricia Forde

Irish vs. US: Dear god, middle grade wins cover art so hard.

WTF of the Week:

WTF of the Week began as a special category for one cover I saw, but was so popular it became a recurring feature. Here, I highlight covers, both new and old, that I’ve found, which, upon viewing, made me either snort or say something along the lines of “Dear God, what is that thing?”

1. How Not to Die in 13 Easy Steps – Kurt Brindley

Thoughts: Steps 1-13: Flip off death.

2. Fatal Desire (An Alpha Billionaire Romance Series #1) – Nicole Price

Thoughts: Hamlet as an NA novel? Or is it just that bad the cover dude is trying to escape?

3. Overly Dramatic (Treading the Boards #1) – Rebecca Cohen

Thoughts: WHAT IS THE GOAT DOING THERE?

3 responses to “Cover Snark (219): Snark Is Really Happening”

  1. No - you're anonymous and cruel so you don't get to know who's writing says:

    Why are you so nasty. No one cares about you. GET. OVER. YOURSELF.

    • Gillian says:

      pretty hilarious that you chose to write this (UTTERLY LOVELY) comment anonymously, but there’s nothing cruel about Christina (WHO IS NOT ANONYMOUS) poking goodnatured fun at others, you wankstain.

      Also, I care about her bunches, as do lots of other people. DISMISSED, TROLL.
      Gillian recently posted…Review: The Valiant by Lesley LivingstonMy Profile

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