Cover Snark (169): Snark Don’t Make Friends

Welcome to Cover Snark, where the people are snarky and the covers quiver in fear. Since I don’t write many snarky book reviews here on A Reader of Fictions, Cover Snark is my outlet. If you click on the title of the book, where possible, I’ve linked to Goodreads. Clicking on the cover itself will show you the cover in a larger size, in most cases. Feel free to love covers I hate and vice versa. Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

Shiny and New:

1. Secrets Don’t Make Friends – Lyla Payne
Don't Make Friends - Lyla Payne
Thoughts: And I always thought that disposing of dead bodies together was the foundation of any good friendship.

2. Schism (Gifted #2) – Jenna Black
Schism (The Gifted Series #2) - Jenna Black
Thoughts: This dragon and his tail are NO LONGER FRIENDS.

3. The Prophecy of Shadows (Elementals #1) – Michelle Madow
The Prophecy of Shadows (Elementals #1) - Michelle Madow
Thoughts: In which the whitest of white white girls must fight off the evils of “shadow.”

4. Horus and the Curse of Everlasting Regret – Hannah Voskuil
Horus and the Curse of Everlasting Regret - Hannah Voskuil
Thoughts: Keep mummy.

5. Lucy & Andy Neanderthal – Jeffrey Brown
Lucy & Andy Neanderthal -Jeffrey Brown
Thoughts: The Far Side: a novel?

6. The Fletcher Family Takes Rock Island (Family Fletcher #2) – Dana Alison Levy
The Fletcher Family Takes Rock Island - Dana Alison Levy
Thoughts: Pretty sure you can’t just claim land like that anymore. Also, omg look at that dog’s face.

7. The Magic Mirror: Concerning a Lonely Princess, a Foundling Girl, a Scheming King and a Pickpocket Squirrel – Susan Hill Long
The Magic Mirror - Susan Hill Long
Thoughts: YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION. I mean, look at that chubby little pickpocket squirrel!

8. The Maypop Kidnapping – C.M. Surrisi
The Maypop Kidnapping - C.M. Surrisi
Thoughts: Whoever stole the monstrous blue lobster is welcome to it. No ransom from me. Nope nope.

9. The Prizewinners of Piedmont Place – Bill Doyle
The Prizewinners of Piedmont Place - Bill Doyle
Thoughts: This ends in tears.

10. Night Flower (Court of Fives #0.5) – Kate Elliott
Night Flower - Kate Elliott
Thoughts: I love when the one I vote for wins. The democratic process working successfully, people.

11. The Darkest Hour – Caroline Tung Richmond
The Darkest Hour - Caroline Tung Richmond
Thoughts: Yeah, I’m sure you really blend in Nazi Germany in that dress.

12. Run – Kody Keplinger
Run - Kody Keplinger
Thoughts: I approve of the fact that these girls clearly refused to run. No to running; yes to staying in more!

13. Soldier (Talon #3) – Julie Kagawa
Soldier – Julie Kagawa
Thoughts: Simple but effective. Soldier on, Talon Saga covers.

14. The Smaller Evil – Stephanie Kuehn
The Smaller Evil - Stephanie Kuehn
Thoughts: Chameleons?

15. The Merciless II (The Merciless #2) – Danielle Vega
The Merciless II - Danielle Vega
Thoughts: Gold away.

16. Sing – Vivi Greene
Sing - Vivi Greene
Thoughts: All she is is a voice. No eyes or nose. Though oddly ears. I guess so she can hear that she’s on pitch.

17. The Edge of the Light (Whidbey Island Saga #4) – Elizabeth George
The Edge of the Light (Edge of Nowhere) - Elizabeth George
Thoughts: This looks so much like some sort of thriller from the 60s.

18. The Glass Galago – A. M. Dellamonica
The Glass Galago - A. M. Dellamonica
Thoughts: That’s some good ship.

19. Breakfast with Neruda – Laura Moe
Breakfast With Neruda - Laura Moe
Thoughts: And to think this could have been a picture of bacon.

20. Janae (Blacktop #2) – LJ Alonge
Janae (Blacktop #2) - LJ Alonge
Thoughts: You show those boys.

21. Warlock Holmes: A Study in Brimstone – G.S. Denning
A Study in Brimstone (Warlock Holmes) - G.S. Denning
Thoughts: That ogre in its undies is something else too.

22. Highly Illogical Behavior – John Corey Whaley
Highly Illogical Behavior - John Corey Whaley
Thoughts: Spock does not approve, but lbr Spock’s not a big fiction reader.

23. Future Shock – Elizabeth Briggs
Future Shock - Elizabeth Briggs
Thoughts: She doesn’t look shocked so much as ready to beat up anything in the future that messes with her.

24. Bite – K.S. Merbeth
Bite - K.S. Merbeth
Thoughts: I would prefer a pizza.

25. Flameout (Souls of Fire #3) – Keri Arthur
Flameout (Souls of Fire #) - Keri Arthur
Thoughts: She’s so hot. She’s like a curry.

26. The Many Selves of Katherine North – Emma Geen
The Many Selves of Katherine North - Emma Geen
Thoughts: Needs to be way more foxy.

27. Sacrifices (Arcane Underworld #2) – Jamie Schultz
Sacrifices (Arcane Underworld #3) - Jamie Schultz
Thoughts: That position does not look like a natural way to hold a gun.

28. Ascendancy (The Van Winkle Project #2) – Karri Thompson
Ascendancy (The Van Winkle Project) - Karri Thompson
Thoughts: Destroy the world and rule over the ruins.

29. Ride Hard (Raven Riders MC #1) Laura Kaye
Ride Hard (Raven Riders #1) Laura Kaye
Thoughts: This can only end in falling. Awkward, naked falling.

30. Heart of a Dolphin – Catherine Hapka
Heart of a Dolphin - Catherine Hapka
Thoughts: Such cuteness! Also, those shorts are super adorable.

31. The Sidekicks – Will Kostakis
The Sidekicks - Will Kostakis
Thoughts: I’d like to see this in a less patriotic color scheme. Just for kicks.

32. League of Dragons (Temeraire #9) – Naomi Novik
League of Dragons (Temeraire #9) - Naomi Novik
Thoughts: Number 9? Wow, way to drag on, series.

33. The Neverland Wars – Audrey Greathouse
The Neverland Wars - Audrey Greathouse
Thoughts: Who would ever root for reality?

34. Girls on Fire – Robin Wasserman
Girls on Fire – Robin Wasserman
Thoughts: Is this set in the 60s and it’s about pot and big hair?

35. The Inside of Out – Jenn Marie Thorne
The Inside of Out - Jenn Marie Thorne
Thoughts: I HAVE VERY HIGH HOPES FOR A BISEXUAL LOVE TRIANGLE OR OT3.

36. Reclaiming Jessamine (Honeyton #2) – Jessica Sorensen
Reclaiming Jessamine – Jessica Sorensen
Thoughts: Below this, he’s actually peeing on her so other men will know she has been claimed by him.

37. Earth’s End (Air Awakens #3) – Elise Kova
Earth's End (Air Awakens #3) - Elise Kova
Thoughts: The covers for this series are amazing. They should be an inspiration to all indie and self-pubs because hell yes.

38. Places No One Knows – Brenna Yovanoff
Places No One Knows - Brenna Yovanoff
Thoughts: And if you have a minute why don’t we go Talk about it somewhere only we know? This could be the end of everything So why don’t we go Somewhere only we know?

39. A Song for No Man’s Land – Andy Remic
A Song for No Man's Land - Andy Remic
Thoughts: Such a gorgeous terrifying gigantic person/zombie/idk with trees growing from his/her/its head.

40. Not Okay Cupid – Heidi R. Kling
Not Okay Cupid - Heidi R. Kling
Thoughts: Based on the tagline, I’m expecting Chuck and Blair basically.

41. Seized (The Profiler #3) – Elizabeth Heiter
Seized (The Profiler #3) - Elizabeth Heiter
Thoughts: Her outfit is on point, but that title font is horrid. Word Art should not ever be used on a book cover. Just say no to Word Art.

42. Market Street Cinema – Michele Machado
Market Street Cinema - Michele Machado
Thoughts: I can’t look at the picture and the title at the same time, but it’s interesting for an NA cover for sure.

43. The Peculiar Haunting of Thelma Bee – Erin Petti
The Peculiar Haunting of Thelma Bee - Erin Petti
Thoughts: Look, a Bee tree.

44. Wild Swans – Jessica Spotswood
Wild Swans - Jessica Spotswood
Thoughts: Her swan impression could use some work.

Cover Battles:

1. Big Wish – Brandon Robshaw

Big Wish - Brandon Robshaw UK
Big Wish - Brandon Robshaw German
Big Wish - Brandon Robshaw

UK vs. German vs. US: Very much prefer the US cover with a Weasleyish MC to the UK and German ones that have some sort of overgrown bald baby creature.

2. The Map of Bones (The Fire Sermon #2) – Francesca Haig

Das Feuerzeichen - Rebellion von Francesca Haig
The Map of Bones (The Fire Sermon #2) - Francesca Haig

German vs. US: Obviously Fawkes wins.

3. Remake – Ilima Todd

Remake - Ilima Todd original
Remake - Ilima Todd

Shadow Mountain vs. Simon & Schuster: They’ve certainly upped both the originality and creep factors.

4. The Wrong Side of Right – Jenn Marie Thorne

The Wrong Side of Right - Jenn Marie Thorne
The Wrong Side of Right - Jenn Marie Thorne

US Hardback vs. US Paperback: On the one hand, I like the hardback a bit more, but I like how much fluffier the paperback looks. His hair tho.

5. Unhooked – Lisa Maxwell

The Stars Turned Away - Lisa Maxwell
Unhooked - Lisa Maxwell

US Take 1 vs. US Take 2: Well, I love the new cover. It says Peter Pan so much more. However, I miss the original title.

6. Square Root of Summer – Harriet Reuter Hapgood

The Square Root of Summer - Harriet Reuter Hapgood
Square Root of Summer - Harriet Reuter Hapgood

US vs. UK: This one’s more unique, I think, but I’d still go for the US cover.

WTF of the Week:

WTF of the Week began as a special category for one cover I saw, but was so popular it became a recurring feature. Here, I highlight covers, both new and old, that I’ve found, which, upon viewing, made me either snort or say something along the lines of “Dear God, what is that thing?” If you would like to be part of the fun and have spotted a truly hilarious or horrifying cover, submit it and your snark to readeroffictions@gmail.com and you might be included, though I will filter through submissions and limit the number of entries per week.

1. Obsession – Jennifer L. Armentrout
Obsession - Jennifer L. Armentrout
Thoughts: Brings new meaning to the term “blue balls.”

2. Seduced (The Mackenzie Trilogy #3) – H.C. Brown
Seduced (The Mackenzie #3) - H.C. Brown
Thoughts: Caveman bodybuilder in a kilt.

3. The Sacrifice: And Other Stories – Kim Fielding
The Sacrifice And Other Stories - Kim Fielding
Thoughts: This looks like the porn version of Disney’s Pocahontas.

3 responses to “Cover Snark (169): Snark Don’t Make Friends”

  1. 5. I loved the author’s Jedi books, they’re so funny and the the illustrations are cute!
    7. Sounds really good and illustrated covers are just the best. I love the details.
    11. She looks so much like Eva Green that it’s distracting me.
    13. Ooh. I like the drops of blood.
    16. T Swift, is that you?
    20. The cover is baller (pun intended, I’m so funny). Love!
    29. I…. am pretty into this. Hmmm.
    33. So manyyyyy Peter Pan books. Cool cover but Clean Teen Publishing? I will probably pass…
    35. THIS COVER IS SO CUTE I WANT TO DIE. I’m super looking forward to this book even though the misunderstandings will make me squirm. Omfg. That cover.
    37. Badass!
    44. I love the image but I hate the font.
    1. Weasley ftw!
    4. I can’t get over the hair. It’s horrible.
    5. OKAY I was super confused when I heard about Unhooked recently because it sounded familar. Didn’t realize it was a title change.

    • Christina Franke says:

      5. How have I not heard of these Jedi books before?

      7. This one is super cute. Looks like a fun twist on fairy tales maybe. Also SQUIRREL.

      11. Hahaha, I swear I saw another cover recently with an Eva Green lookalike.

      13. Harlequin pulls out really classy covers. I’m v. impressed.

      16. Back when she had long hair???

      20. OMG SLAM DUNK, MORGAN

      29. Maybe all these motorcycle club romances are next on your list of NA to investigate?

      33. Yeah, not sure why that’s so much a thing all of a sudden. The Clean Teen people have been very supportive of Cover Snark, but I wouldn’t personally read something described as “clean.” Give me dirty fiction, plz.

      35. I freaking LOVE this cover. Also the middle girl totally looks like a blonde Amanda Bynes to me.

      44. I like the cover, but I do agree a more interesting font could have given it extra oomph.

      4. HIS HAIR IS SO BAD. Also it kinda looks like he’s going to go bald young if that makes sense at all probs not whatever. And also what is she wearing?

      5. I liked the more subtle Stars Turned Away because second star to the right but it’s not punching you in the face with peter pan.

  2. Laura Moe says:

    I LOVE the snarky comment on my cover. I tweeted it. Thanks for the laugh.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge