Cover Snark (154): Holding Out for a Snark

CoverSnarkChristina2

Welcome to Cover Snark, where the people are snarky and the covers quiver in fear. Since I don’t write many snarky book reviews here on A Reader of Fictions, Cover Snark is my outlet. If you click on the title of the book, where possible, I’ve linked to Goodreads. Clicking on the cover itself will show you the cover in a larger size, in most cases. Feel free to love covers I hate and vice versa. Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

Shiny and New:

1. Bookishly Ever After (Ever After #1) – Isabel Bandeira
Bookishly Ever After (Ever After #1) - Isabel Bandeira
Thoughts: It took me a shockingly long time to figure out what this was a picture of, and then oh hey it’s a girl upside down, idiot. Is it just me or does it look like she’s reclining in the ocean? Why is everything so blue?

2. Can You Keep a Secret? (Fear Street) – R. L. Stine
Can You Keep a Secret (Fear Street) - R. L. Stine. L. Stine
Thoughts: To what lengths will you go to keep anyone from knowing about that person you dated? Anyone who’s seen the evidence on that tree must die. Slowly. With a small paring knife.

3. Holding Out for a Hero – Victoria Van Tiem
Holding Out for a Hero - Victoria Van Tiem
Thoughts: Let’s see what does that leave… He’s just gotta be sure, be soon, and be larger than life. Okay, so she likes big guys who are definitely into her and ejaculate quickly.

4. The Golem of Solomon’s Way – Jon Messenger
The Golem of Solomon's Way - Jon Messenger
Thoughts: Overlooking the flaws because heyyyy cute steampunk nerd boy.

5. The Geek’s Guide to Unrequited Love – Sarvenaz Tash
The Geek's Guide to Unrequited Love - Sarvenaz Tash
Thoughts: First recommendation is that the balloons are maybe coming on a bit strong. Also that highlighting your package in a superhero costume is perhaps going to make you a hard sell. (Pun totally intended.)

6. The Nameless City – Faith Erin Hicks
The Nameless City - Faith Erin Hicks
Thoughts: Yesss, this girl’s having so much fun running across rooftops and the guy looks terrified and like he can’t catch up. BOSS BITCHES FTW.

7. A Boy Called Christmas – Matt Haig
A Boy Called Christmas - Matt Haig
Thoughts: What a terrible name to give your son.

8. Rebel of the Sands – Alwyn Hamilton
Rebel of the Sands - Alwyn Hamilton
Thoughts: Raise your hand if you’re deeply bothered by the fact that this fancy jewelry and/or weapon is off-center.

9. Bright Blaze of Magic (Black Blade #3) – Jennifer Estep
Bright Blaze of Magic - Jennifer Estep
Thoughts: “Fuck this tentacle! AND THAT TENTACLE!” she shouts, hacking through them like she’s clearing a path through dense jungle with a machete.

10. Defender – Graham McNamee
Defender - Graham McNamee
Thoughts: Time to double tap the past, because that bitch is obviously a zombie.

11. Bloodtraitor (The Maeve’ra Trilogy #3) – Amelia Atwater-Rhodes
Bloodtraitor (Book 3) - Amelia Atwater-Rhodes
Thoughts: This looks great…if it had come out in the 90s.

12. Crossing the Line – Meghan Rogers
Crossing the Line - Meghan Rogers
Thoughts: I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. You could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been living in.

13. Curio – Evangeline Denmark
Curio - Evangeline Denmark
Thoughts: She is just absurdly pretty. Also maybe a badass bitch who’s about to poison someone? I don’t trust that green potion. Though, who knows, maybe that’s steampunk dish detergent.

14. The Paper Swan – Leylah Attar
The Paper Swan - Leylah Attar
Thoughts: She forgot to read the manual for how to care for her paper swan. Tip one is not to get the swan wet.

15. City of Thirst (The Map to Everywhere #2) – Carrie Ryan & John Parke Davis
City of Thirst (The Map to Everywhere #2) - Carrie Ryan & John Parke Davis
Thoughts: Water water everywhere and nor a drop to drink. (Or hook up with, if this is Urban Dictionary definition, because it’s a middle grade. Too bad.)

16. Lost Ocean: An Inky Adventure and Coloring Book – Johanna Basford
Lost Ocean An Inky Adventure and Coloring Book - Johanna Basford
Thoughts: OMG, are they making coloring books for adults??? I want it so badly.

17. Game Over (The Mindwar Trilogy #3) – Andrew Klavan
Game Over (The Mindwar Trilogy #3) - Andrew Klavan
Thoughts: Is that a lightning sword in your hand or are you just turned on by that battle over there?

18. More Than Fashion (Chasing the Dream #3) – Elizabeth Briggs
More Than Fashion (Chasing the Dream) - Elizabeth Briggs
Thoughts: Oh hey, POC NA. The sewing needles and little scissors add a bit of fun to an otherwise pretty standard NA cover.

19. Escaping Perfect – Emma Harrison
Escaping Perfect - Emma Harrison
Thoughts: You’re supposed to drive off into the sunset, not away from it. And you’re certainly not supposed to stop and watch. It’s like you kids have never seen a movie before.

20. Steam (Legends Saga #3) – Stacey Rourke
Steam (Legends Saga #3) - Stacey Rourke
Thoughts: Punk.

21. Infinity Lost (The Infinity Trilogy #1) – S. Harrison
Infinity Lost (The Infinity Trilogy) - S. Harrison
Thoughts: Man, I told you to be careful with infinity. This is why we can’t have nice things.

22. The Rising (Alchemy Wars #2) – Ian Tregillis
The Rising (Alchemy Wars #2) - Ian Tregillis
Thoughts: Robot hands are on the rise, because you can’t throw fire with human hands. Obvious choice.

23. The Apprentice’s Quest (Warriors: A Vision of Shadows #1) – Erin Hunter
The Apprentice's Quest - Erin Hunter
Thoughts: Why does that cat look slightly fuzzy in the non-furry way?

24. Lament for the Afterlife – Lisa L. Hannett
Lament for the Afterlife - Lisa L. Hannett
Thoughts: !!! Those people just turned into birds. That is so cool.

25. Long Dark Dusk (The Australia Trilogy #2) – JP Smythe
Long Dark Dusk (The Australia Trilogy #2) - JP Smythe
Thoughts: Yesssss to this art and that font and the girl calmly riding on that sky road. YES.

Cover Battles:

1. The Mime Order (The Bone Season #2) – Samantha Shannon

The Mime Order - Samantha Shannon
The Mime Order (The Bone Season #2) - Samantha Shannon pb

US Hardback vs. US Paperback: Ooooh, I’ll take the silhouettes over the butterflies.

2. The Bodies We Wear – Jeyn Roberts

The Bodies We Wear by Jeyn Roberts
The Bodies We Wear - Jeyn Roberts

US Hardback vs. US Paperback: It looks like she feasted on Eat Me cakes in Wonderland until she grew that big all in an effort to see heaven.

3. Dreamwielder (The Dreamwielder Chronicles #1) – Garrett Calcaterra

Dreamwielder (The Dreamwielder Chronicles #1) - Garrett Calcaterra original
Dreamwielder (The Dreamwielder Chronicles #1) - Garrett Calcaterra

Original vs. Redesign: From boring to something that looks like an awesome fairy tale retelling. This is how you redesign.

4. Magnus Chase and the Sword of Summer (Magnus Chase #1) – Rick Riordan

The Sword of Summer (Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard #1) - Rick Riordan
Magnus Chase and the Sword of Summer (Magnus Chase #1) - Rick Riordan

US vs. UK: Despite the fact that the UK Percy covers were hideous, this one’s way better than the US cover. The fiery wolfie makes my heart happy.

WTF of the Week:

WTF of the Week began as a special category for one cover I saw, but was so popular it became a recurring feature. Here, I highlight covers, both new and old, that I’ve found, which, upon viewing, made me either snort or say something along the lines of “Dear God, what is that thing?” If you would like to be part of the fun and have spotted a truly hilarious or horrifying cover, submit it and your snark to readeroffictions@gmail.com and you might be included, though I will filter through submissions and limit the number of entries per week.

1. Impossible Intern – J. A. Beard
Impossible Intern - J. A. Beard
Thoughts: Is she like a prison intern in space or some shit? What even.

2. Iron (The Warding #1) – Robin L. Cole
Iron (The Warding #1) - Robin L. Cole
Thoughts: Yeah, no, that title is definitely Tron.

3. Mimes – Paul E. Cooley
Mimes - Paul E. Cooley
Thoughts: Well, I didn’t used to have a phobia of mimes.

Tell Me Your Favorites!

4 responses to “Cover Snark (154): Holding Out for a Snark”

  1. LG says:

    WTF #2 – Agreed. They really tried with the gleam on the bottom, but my first guess would have been Tron.
    LG recently posted…The Alpha and His Ace (e-short story) by Ana J. PhoenixMy Profile

  2. Angie says:

    I have a NEED for all these adult coloring books. AND YAY NEW RIORDAN SERIES…which I somehow didn’t know about. I am a failure.

  3. 1. For being bookishly ever after, she’s not surrounded by many books. Or any. All she has is what she’s holding and being stuck with only one book while anywhere is a travesty. See: my mother’s high school reunion.

    5. Agreed. Step one: make your confession work with your cosplay to impress your crush with your cleverosity. Like you rip your button-up shirt like you’re going to go Superman and ARE wearing the Superman outfit, but instead of the S symbol, it says I LIKE YOU.

    6. The lines on her arms and legs and hair seem off to me, but I LIKE IT TOO.

    9. She looks like she could use a bright blast of magic right now as she attempts to avoid being a tentacle porn star.

    23. Don’t care CAAAAAAAAAAAAATS

    24. Is this like a massive migration of all the Animorphs that can turn into birds?

    CB2. Ooooh, I like that cover change, surprisingly. Lots of color and the fact she got forced to do bad drugs is clearer.

    Well poo, I barely had anything to say about this batch. Either I’ve gotten out of shape with snarking or these are just not doing anything for me. 🙁

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