Cover Snark (122): The One for Your Inner Goddess

CoverSnarkChristina2

Welcome to Cover Snark, where the people are snarky and the covers quiver in fear. Since I don’t write many snarky book reviews here on A Reader of Fictions, Cover Snark is my outlet. If you click on the title of the book, where possible, I’ve linked to Goodreads. Clicking on the cover itself will show you the cover in a larger size, in most cases. Feel free to love covers I hate and vice versa. Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

Shiny and New:

1. The Hidden Prince (The Orphan Queen) – Jodi Meadows
The Hidden Prince - Jodi Meadows
Thoughts: That awkward moment when the novella cover is better than the actual book cover.

2. Nimona – Noelle Stevenson
Nimona - Noelle Stevenson
Thoughts: I am Nimoaning with my need for this. GIVE IT TO ME NOW AND NO ONE GETS HURT.

3. Joyride – Anna Banks
Joyride - Anna Banks
Thoughts: I don’t think these two entirely get the point of joyriding. Ferris Bueller disapproves.

4. Invincible – Amy Reed
Invincible - Amy Reed
Thoughts: It’s both super cute and mind-bogglingly creepy. Right? Or is that just me?

5. A School for Unusual Girls (Stranje House, #1) – Kathleen Baldwin
A School for Unusual Girls (Stranje House, #1) - Kathleen Baldwin
Thoughts: MEG CABOT BLURB. NEED WANT. Also, somewhat reminiscent of the good Unspoken cover, yes?

6. Velvet – Temple West
Velvet - Temple West
Thoughts: That’s what I always wear to make snow angels.

7. Reawakened – Colleen Houck
Reawakened - Colleen Houck
Thoughts: Eye do not like books with beetles on the cover. And this beetle can fly apparently, which is worse. GO BACK TO SLEEP, WINGED BEETLE.

8. Of Dreams and Rust (Of Metals and Wishes #2) – Sarah Fine
Of Dreams and Rust - Sarah Fine
Thoughts: Not as pretty as the first one with the curtain, but I am still in love with that font and the clothing and the pretty girl, even they are making her nigh duck face for this one.

9. Dangerous Deception (Dangerous Creatures #2) – Kami Garcia & Margaret Stohl
Dangerous Deception - Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl
Thoughts: Let me guess. Someone was deceived into thinking the blue sunglasses would protect them from UV rays, and now they have the eye cancer. CRUEL DECEPTION.

10. Please Remain Calm – Courtney Summers
Please Remain Calm - Courtney Summers
Thoughts: I don’t think that I would actually. WHEN ZOMBIES ARE COMING AFTER YOU IS THE PERFECT TIME TO PANIC. AND WHERE THE HELL DID I PUT MY TOWEL?

11. Half Lies (Half Life Trilogy short story) – Sally Green
Half Lies - Sally Green
Thoughts: This shade of purple hurts my eyes. *blows grape whistle*

12. Nearly Found (Nearly Gone #2) – Elle Cosimano
Nearly Found - Elle Cosimano
Thoughts: This girl was not in my past, so I refuse this cover. She had not right to come find me.

13. Gold Runner (The United States of Asgard) – Tessa Gratton
Gold Runner - Tessa Gratton
Thoughts: More like COLD Runner, amirite?

14. Lady Berserk (The United States of Asgard) – Tessa Gratton
Lady Berserk - Tessa Gratton
Thoughts: Just because she’s cross-eyed is no need to give her nicknames like Berserk. She can’t help it.

15. Glory’s Teeth (The United States of Asgard) – Tessa Gratton
Glory's Teeth - Tessa Gratton
Thoughts: What’s up with her teeth? I can’t tell because her mouth is closed. Snaggle teeth? Tooth gap? DENTURES?

16. All That Glitters (Geek Girl #4) – Holly Smale
All That Glitters (Geek Girl #4) - Holly Smale
Thoughts: Models must love spending hours being made up and then being told to make that face.

17. Living the Dream (Whitman University #) – Lyla Payne
Living the Dream (Whitman University #5) - Lyla Payne
Thoughts: Elbow patches on his tux and a receding hairline. Where do I sign up?

18. Get Dirty (Don’t Get Mad #2) – Gretchen McNeil
Get Dirty (Don't Get Mad #2) by Gretchen McNeil
Thoughts: OH MYYYYYY

19. When Magic Sleeps (Darkly Fae #1) – Tera Lynn Childs
When Magic Sleeps - Tera Lynn Childs
Thoughts: Add to the list of cover trends that need to die: free-floating hands. Also shitty looking magic. This one looks like a heart with derpy eyes. It’s trying to be Calcifer, but it is NOT.

20. Fall with Me (Wait for You #4) – Jennifer L. Armentrout
Fall with Me - Jennifer L. Armentrout
Thoughts: Fall into Hipsterism?

21. Finding Mr. Brightside – Jay Clark
Finding Mr. Brightside - Jay Clark
Thoughts: Come on, now. We’ve known who Mr. Brightside is since 2004. Brandon Flowers. Is this about a girl who stalks The Killers or something?

22. Skyscraping – Cordelia Jensen
Skyscraping - Cordelia Jensen
Thoughts: I would totally ride this ride if it had a more substantial safety harness. This theme park is gonna get sueeeeed.

23. Radiance – Catherynne M. Valente
Radiance - Catherynne M. Valente
Thoughts: It’s a bit counterintuitive to wear heels for this, since she just has to bend over further, but her choice.

24. The Sound of Life and Everything – Krista Van Dolzer
The Sound of Life and Everything - Krista Van Dolzer
Thoughts: I AM SO CONFUSED. Why is his house upside-down? What does it MEAN?

25. Luck on the Line (On the Verge #1) – Zoraida Cordova
Luck on the Line (On the Verge #1) - Zoraida Cordova
Thoughts: So I am guessing they are line cooks and that that is not sanitary. HEALTH INSPECTOR!!!

26. How to Say I Love You Out Loud – K.A. Cozzo
How to Say I Love You Out Loud - K.A. Cozzo
Thoughts: Technically writing it on the board isn’t saying it out loud, so think again. Unless you can make the chalk squeak out the words. That would be awfome (awful but awesome). Also, do high schools still have chalkboards?

27. Love Fortunes and Other Disasters – Kimberly Karalius
Love Fortunes and Other Disasters - Kimberly Karalius
Thoughts: Okay, so it looks like there’s a tarp over that boat and they’re standing through the tarp.

28. Keepers of the Labyrinth – Erin E. Moulton
Keepers of the Labyrinth - Erin E. Moulton
Thoughts: It’s so hard to snark covers this boring. Maybe that’s the point.

29. Like It Never Happened – Emily Adrian
Like It Never Happened - Emily Adrian
Thoughts: They like totally didn’t hook up under those bleachers.

30. Our Song (Flirt) – A. Destiny & Elizabeth Lenhard
Our Song (Flirt) - A. Destiny & Elizabeth Lenhard
Thoughts: The series always looks like it’s part of the title. FLIRT OUR SONG. 1) Don’t tell me what to do. 2) How the hell do you flirt a song?

31. Shackled – Tom Leveen
Shackled - Tom Leveen
Thoughts: This just got dark, despite the high wattage of the light bulb.

32. Blood Will Tell (Point Last Seen #2) – April Henry
Blood Will Tell - April Henry
Thoughts: What is on those leaves and branches? Fingerprint dusting stuff? Weird snow???

33. Our Brothers at the Bottom of the Bottom of the Sea – Jonathan Kranz
Our Brothers at the Bottom of the Bottom of the Sea - Jonathan Kranz
Thoughts: glub glub glub, which is my way of saying while under the sea looking for our brothers that this font treatment is awesome. But I didn’t find our brothers, so I’m going to the carnival now. BYEEEEE.

34. The Last of the Spirits – Chris Priestley
The Last of the Spirits - Chris Priestley
Thoughts: Ooooooh, very Night Before Christmas. Christina like.

35. Above Us Only Sky – Michele Young-Stone
Above Us Only Sky - Michele Young-Stone
Thoughts: Imagine all the birdies flying round in peaaaaaceeeee.

36. Icefall (Rebel Angel #4) – Gillian Philip
Icefall (Rebel Angel #4) - Gillian Philip
Thoughts: Nope, don’t want. He looks too much like Joffrey. No, wait. Like Joffrey and Peeta’s love child. That’s it.

37. Harrison Squared – Daryl Gregory
Harrison Squared - Daryl Gregory
Thoughts: Harrison appears to be a terrifying child who can control giant tentacles with his mind. Do not want. I’m not sure what squaring him will do, but it doesn’t sound good.

38. City of the Iron Fish – Simon Ings
City of the Iron Fish - Simon Ings
Thoughts: UNGHHHH Love these covers, even if this one is a bit fishy.

39. The Machine Awakes (Spider War #2) – Adam Christopher
The Machine Awakes (Spider War #2) - Adam Christopher
Thoughts: You sir, may go right back to sleep with that beetle. Nobody wants you either. Take whatever spiders are from the series title with you.

40. Finding Paris – Joy Preble
Finding Paris - Joy Preble
Thoughts: Might I recommend this thing called a map.

41. From the Notebooks of a Middle School Princess (From the Notebooks of a Middle School Princess #1) – Meg Cabot
From the Notebooks of a Middle School Princess - Meg Cabot
Thoughts: I guess because she’s royalty, she could pay the illustrator more, so she gets to look the most realistic.

42. Being a Girl – Hayley Long
Being a Girl - Hayley Long
Thoughts: B IS FOR BOOBS.

43. Hunting Monsters – SL Huang
Hunting Monsters - SL Huang
Thoughts: She looks very zen. And also veeeeeery fluffy. I would think that sweater would get in the way.

44. What If He’s The One – Kathy Jay
What If He's The One - Kathy Jay
Thoughts: My plot for this cover: A woman falls in love with a drag queen, shown on the cover. The end.

45. The Trials (Project Paper Doll #3) – Stacey Kade
The Trials (Project Paper Doll #3) - Stacey Kade
Thoughts: Hahahaha, it looks like that mannequin behind her is kicking her in the butt.

46. I Am the Traitor (Unknown Assassin #3) – Allen Zadoff
I Am the Traitor (Unknown Assassin #3) - Allen Zadoff
Thoughts: That explosion looks so incredibly fake. Also, why are there little pieces of paper all around the edges? THEY CANNOT FIND OUT ABOUT MY ORIGAMI OBSESSION! *torches box and runs*

47. No Life But This (Rosalinda Fitzroy #1) – Anna Sheehan
No Life But This (Rosalinda Fitzroy #1) - Anna Sheehan
Thoughts: This Otto have a better cover. BAHAHA. Sorry not sorry for the terrible pun.

48. Challenger Deep – Neal Shusterman
Challenger Deep - Neal Shusterman
Thoughts: I think I just blue myself prematurely.

49. Becoming Jinn (Becoming Jinn #1) – Lori Goldstein
Becoming Jinn - Lori Goldstein
Thoughts: I’m starting to wonder if Lindsay Ribar started a genie fad.

Cover Battles:

1. Hook’s Daughter (Hook’s Daughter #1) – Heidi Schulz

Hook's Revenge - Heidi Schultz
Hook's Daughter (Hook's Daughter #1) - Heidi Schulz

US vs. UK: The colors aren’t quite right somehow on the UK cover, but I like that art better than the US, so I declare it the winner. What a croc!

2. Don’t Stop Now – Julie Halpern

Don't Stop Now - Julie Halpern hardback
Don't Stop Now - Julie Halpern

US Hardback vs. US Paperback: I…guess the redesign is better? *shrugs*

3. Out of Control – Sarah Alderson

Out of Control - Sarah Alderson
Out of Control - Sarah Alderson

UK vs. US: This font treatment makes me feel like I’m about to pass out. NOT COOL. Suddenly the UK cover looks great in comparison.

WTF of the Week:

WTF of the Week began as a special category for one cover I saw, but was so popular it became a recurring feature. Here, I highlight covers, both new and old, that I’ve found, which, upon viewing, made me either snort or say something along the lines of “Dear God, what is that thing?” If you would like to be part of the fun and have spotted a truly hilarious or horrifying cover, submit it and your snark to readeroffictions@gmail.com and you might be included, though I will filter through submissions and limit the number of entries per week.

1. Mustang Maddy (Revved & Ready #2) – Kacey Hammell
Mustang Maddy (Revved & Ready #3) - Kacey Hammell
Thoughts: They are sitting ON the title.

2. Braineater Jones – Stephen Kozeniewski
Braineater Jones - Stephen Kozeniewskiy
Thoughts: That DOES sound gross.

3. Journey to Olympus (My Inner Goddess #2) – Wanda Sasparella
Journey to Olympus (My Inner Goddess #2) - Wanda Sasparella
Thoughts: My Inner Goddess turns into a finless mermaid and does the mambo.

Choose Your Favorite:

11 responses to “Cover Snark (122): The One for Your Inner Goddess”

  1. Heather says:

    It was super hard for me to decide on a favorite this week because I liked so many. Excellent! I ended up picking 27; there’s so much going on and I want to know more!

    Also, on 18, I really hope you typed “OH MYYYYYY” with an accent, because that is how I read it. lol

  2. Meg says:

    So, first off, must you reference a person’s inner goddess? (Certainly not mine because I refuse to have one) I’m having FSoG flashbacks and need to vomit.

    1. Yeeeeaaahhhhh sorry Orphan Queen but Hidden Prince wins

    2. YES YES YES YES YES YES YES LOVE

    3. NO CHRISTINA DON’T MAKE ME

    4. SUPER CUTE AND MIND BOGGLINGLY CREEPY IS MY CRACK I LOVE THIS SO MUCH IT’S SO WEIRD AND LOVELY

    5. Moment of silence for the SRB covers that could’ve been

    6. Maybe it’s just the subzero temperature of the space I am currently inhabiting but BRRRRRRRRR

    7. Weird, dramatic, vaguely egyptian. Lovelovelovelove

    8. HAHAHAHAHA SHE IS SO MAKING DUCK FACE

    9. While I love that all of these books have such a unified look/feel, I’m getting super bored and can no longer tell them apart. Also book 2? Aren’t there like 4 billion of them already? What is happening?

    10. CHRISTINA. ALWAYS KNOW WHERE YOUR TOWEL IS. (also, maybe people would be more likely to remain calm if the title were typeset in large, friendly letter) (further also, I love this) (both the cover and the Adamsian commentary)

    11. Super not a fan of that purple.

    12. I quite like this one too. It’s so creepy.

    13. I really wish these books lived up to their covers (I say that having only read the first one which was thoroughly meh imo)

    16. I am going to need those glasses ASAP.

    18. OO-ER

    21. This looks like a more colorful Jennifer E. Smith cover

    23. Love.

    24. Maybe they’re in Australia. They’re all upside down over there.

    27. Get out of here with your logical logic.

    33. This is so strange and somehow off-putting but in a really enjoyable way. As you can see I am conflicted.

    34. TIM BURTON TIM BURTON TIM BURTON LOVE THE TIME BURTON CAN’T GO WRONG WITH THAT.

    38. It’s BASSically amazing.

    42. HABANAPRAMMEN

    43. I like this girl. Her accessorizing skills are on point.

    48. http://larkable.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Just-Blue-myself.gif

    49. I am so cool with the genie fad.

    WTF1. I CAN’T DECIDE WHAT THE BEST PART OF THIS IS, THE MODELS? THE COLOR? THE TITLE? THE PART WHERE IT’S A SERIES? I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW BUT IT IS INCREDIBLE FOR SURE.

    WTF2: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN’T DECIDE IF I LOVE 1 OR 2 MORE
    Meg recently posted…Review: Gone Girl by Gillian FlynnMy Profile

  3. Anya says:

    *whistles* yeah I love that Orphan Queen novella cover much more, hopefully there will be bound copies D:

    Haha, I totally thought School for Unusual Girls was School for Unused Girls, awkward!

    *makes grabby hands and City of Iron Fish* What is it even about?? I don’t know, but I wants it!

    I’m so happy that the Middle School Princess is clearly a PoC even though it looks like the entire rest of her school are all cookie cutter white-looking kids…
    Anya recently posted…Flames to Embers {September 2014 Part 2}My Profile

  4. Gillian says:

    1. Lurve this cover

    2. OPEN WEEPING NIMOANING SOBBING WAILING NEEDING PETTING SCREECHING FEELING

    3. This is such an awkward vantage point

    4. OMK IT’S SO PRETTY SO PRETTTYYYYYY

    5. AHHHH MEG CABOT BLURB COME INTO MY LIFE. It’s like if Unspoken and The Cavendish Home for Boys and Girls had a baby

    6. Do love the swoopy font, but that image is just strange

    8. Yeah, not as pretty as the first but still suuuuuper pretty

    11. THAT IS SO AGGRESSIVELY PURPLE

    13. I TOTALLY THOUGHT THAT DID SAY COLD

    19. I really hate the glowy font

    22. oh god oh ogd scrolling really fast no nope nope NOPE CANNOT

    23. GORGEOUSSSS

    24. Also love

    26. LIKE AGAIN

    27. ONCE MORE I LOVE SOMETHING WHAT IS WITH THIS ENDLESS STREAM OF POSITIVITY IS MY HEART GROWING IN SIZE

    32. For soem reason that doesn’t look like her hand

    34. I was JUST about to say it wast NBC-y! braaaaain twin! But yeah, I’d watch this stop-motion picture in a heartbeat

    35. Liiiike except for the parts where the wings peel up

    36. Joffrey and Peeta’s love child is disturbingly accurate

    37. This is gorgeous but HORRIFYING

    41. EEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPP

    44. So many illustrated overs this week my soul is happy

    48. Covergasm.

    CB1. HOLY FUCK I LVOE THE UK COVER SOSOSOSOSOS MUCH HOLY FUCK

    CB3. That blurry font is making me so nauseous that i can’t look at it

    WTF1. It’s like Dirty Dancing but actually dirty
    Gillian recently posted…Weasley Twin Syndrome: How Making Me Laugh = Making Me LoveMy Profile

  5. Dragana says:

    1. LOL So true.
    4. Just cute to me.
    5. My only problem is that word stranje is very similar to sranje. which means shit in Serbian. 😀
    11. Mine too *squints*
    33. Whole cover should have been underwater. It would have been awesome with that font.
    34. /me like too.
    36. Yep you nailed it!

  6. 12. I’m meh on the cover but OH MY GOSH A SEQUEL YES YES YES MORE FLIRTING WITH CHEMISTRY JOKES!

    29. What is going on at the bottom of that cover? Did they tack on a snippet of another picture just to make room for the tagline?

    36. *side-eyes the Kirkus quote*

    40. They’re trying to find Paris in Vegas? Don’t let the tower fool you! It’s not the real one!

    47. *gasps* What is this? A POC on the cover, not whitewashed, not in silhouette, and not symbolized by an inanimate object?!
    Shae/Shelver @ Shae Has Left The Room recently posted…Cover Love #75My Profile

  7. 4 – Ohhhh. I need it. I need it bad. The synopsis is kind of heartbreaking too!
    11 – IT BURNS OH GOD TURN IT OFF

    Okay – I need Invincible. Now to hope that it doesn’t suck so I can buy the book for its prettiness…
    Kayla @ The Thousand Lives recently posted…Fall TV Shows – What I Think So FarMy Profile

  8. MJ says:

    1) That’s a bad ass novella cover.

    7) Beetles always make me think of Blue Beetle for the DC universe. Somehow, I cannot rationalize that character with a Colleen Houck book.

    8) OOOh, I forgot this one was getting a sequel. In a weird way I’m sort of on the fence about it because I liked the ending it was opened enough. But the cover is very pretty. Agree with the face thing though.

    16) I’m guessing this is the UK cover. I know that they’re being released in the US next year. And the schemes different-one I more prefer since it forgos the model making a weird face all together.

    19) Obvious stock photo. Her last few covers have been really disappointing- see City Chicks series.

    20) What is Sabrina from General Hospital doing on a book cover? And from her geek days none the less. And that is not Patrick Drake. Obviously, I’m missing something.

    39) It’s Ironman’s less attractive with a smaller budget brother.

    41) Cover makes it an ebook buy if I’m going to get it. I really don’t like illustrated covers like this. Which is odd because I’m usually pro illustrations. This one just seems to make the book seem even younger than the audience its being pitched too. And while I love the original, I just don’t know if I can go that young.

    45) I don’t get these new covers. The old ones were actually more relevant to the books. And Arianne would never wear a dress like that.

    49) Hey, I’m all aboard the jinn train. The more jinn books the happier I am.
    MJ recently posted…A Diamond in the Rough or Not?: Exquisite Captive by Heather DemetriosMy Profile

  9. 1. Yes, it would be better if the cover from the book would be similar to this.
    2. AWESOME. I added this one to my Goodreads without reading the blurb.
    3. It looks more like someone drugged them.
    4. Pretty colors.
    5. That was my first thought as well.
    19. And that terrible font can die too.
    34. MUST HAVE IT.
    47. … No words.

    CB1. I love both of them. They are so different and pretty.
    Mel@thedailyprophecy recently posted…Review 292. Elissa Sussman – Stray.My Profile

  10. Brigid says:

    *turns head to side* that is one of the more awkward positions I’ve seen on a book cover. Mustang Maddy? Hehehaha oh no. That’s not good at all. Someone was a little too happy with the gin when they were playing around on photoshop.

  11. Lyn Kaye says:

    2. Is that…is that a chubby girl?? NEED.

    4. Dude, DUDE!!

    6. *stares creepily*

    8. *dances* YEAH! LOVE THE RED!

    10. I might start crying…..I can’t wait for this one.

    17. Sappy cover, but I want her hair.

    22. This one makes me nauseated…..

    34. LOVE.

    43. I find this cover oddly attractive…
    Lyn Kaye recently posted…Book Review: Perfectly Good White BoyMy Profile

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