posted at Thursday, October 9th, 2014 at 8:00 AM | Cover Snark
Welcome to Cover Snark, where the people are snarky and the covers quiver in fear. Since I don’t write many snarky book reviews here on A Reader of Fictions, Cover Snark is my outlet. If you click on the title of the book, where possible, I’ve linked to Goodreads. Clicking on the cover itself will show you the cover in a larger size, in most cases. Feel free to love covers I hate and vice versa. Let me know your thoughts in the comments!
Shiny and New:
1. The Hidden Prince (The Orphan Queen) – Jodi Meadows
Thoughts: That awkward moment when the novella cover is better than the actual book cover.
2. Nimona – Noelle Stevenson
Thoughts: I am Nimoaning with my need for this. GIVE IT TO ME NOW AND NO ONE GETS HURT.
3. Joyride – Anna Banks
Thoughts: I don’t think these two entirely get the point of joyriding. Ferris Bueller disapproves.
4. Invincible – Amy Reed
Thoughts: It’s both super cute and mind-bogglingly creepy. Right? Or is that just me?
5. A School for Unusual Girls (Stranje House, #1) – Kathleen Baldwin
Thoughts: MEG CABOT BLURB. NEED WANT. Also, somewhat reminiscent of the good Unspoken cover, yes?
6. Velvet – Temple West
Thoughts: That’s what I always wear to make snow angels.
7. Reawakened – Colleen Houck
Thoughts: Eye do not like books with beetles on the cover. And this beetle can fly apparently, which is worse. GO BACK TO SLEEP, WINGED BEETLE.
8. Of Dreams and Rust (Of Metals and Wishes #2) – Sarah Fine
Thoughts: Not as pretty as the first one with the curtain, but I am still in love with that font and the clothing and the pretty girl, even they are making her nigh duck face for this one.
9. Dangerous Deception (Dangerous Creatures #2) – Kami Garcia & Margaret Stohl
Thoughts: Let me guess. Someone was deceived into thinking the blue sunglasses would protect them from UV rays, and now they have the eye cancer. CRUEL DECEPTION.
10. Please Remain Calm – Courtney Summers
Thoughts: I don’t think that I would actually. WHEN ZOMBIES ARE COMING AFTER YOU IS THE PERFECT TIME TO PANIC. AND WHERE THE HELL DID I PUT MY TOWEL?
11. Half Lies (Half Life Trilogy short story) – Sally Green
Thoughts: This shade of purple hurts my eyes. *blows grape whistle*
12. Nearly Found (Nearly Gone #2) – Elle Cosimano
Thoughts: This girl was not in my past, so I refuse this cover. She had not right to come find me.
13. Gold Runner (The United States of Asgard) – Tessa Gratton
Thoughts: More like COLD Runner, amirite?
14. Lady Berserk (The United States of Asgard) – Tessa Gratton
Thoughts: Just because she’s cross-eyed is no need to give her nicknames like Berserk. She can’t help it.
15. Glory’s Teeth (The United States of Asgard) – Tessa Gratton
Thoughts: What’s up with her teeth? I can’t tell because her mouth is closed. Snaggle teeth? Tooth gap? DENTURES?
16. All That Glitters (Geek Girl #4) – Holly Smale
Thoughts: Models must love spending hours being made up and then being told to make that face.
17. Living the Dream (Whitman University #) – Lyla Payne
Thoughts: Elbow patches on his tux and a receding hairline. Where do I sign up?
18. Get Dirty (Don’t Get Mad #2) – Gretchen McNeil
Thoughts: OH MYYYYYY
19. When Magic Sleeps (Darkly Fae #1) – Tera Lynn Childs
Thoughts: Add to the list of cover trends that need to die: free-floating hands. Also shitty looking magic. This one looks like a heart with derpy eyes. It’s trying to be Calcifer, but it is NOT.
20. Fall with Me (Wait for You #4) – Jennifer L. Armentrout
Thoughts: Fall into Hipsterism?
21. Finding Mr. Brightside – Jay Clark
Thoughts: Come on, now. We’ve known who Mr. Brightside is since 2004. Brandon Flowers. Is this about a girl who stalks The Killers or something?
22. Skyscraping – Cordelia Jensen
Thoughts: I would totally ride this ride if it had a more substantial safety harness. This theme park is gonna get sueeeeed.
23. Radiance – Catherynne M. Valente
Thoughts: It’s a bit counterintuitive to wear heels for this, since she just has to bend over further, but her choice.
24. The Sound of Life and Everything – Krista Van Dolzer
Thoughts: I AM SO CONFUSED. Why is his house upside-down? What does it MEAN?
25. Luck on the Line (On the Verge #1) – Zoraida Cordova
Thoughts: So I am guessing they are line cooks and that that is not sanitary. HEALTH INSPECTOR!!!
26. How to Say I Love You Out Loud – K.A. Cozzo
Thoughts: Technically writing it on the board isn’t saying it out loud, so think again. Unless you can make the chalk squeak out the words. That would be awfome (awful but awesome). Also, do high schools still have chalkboards?
27. Love Fortunes and Other Disasters – Kimberly Karalius
Thoughts: Okay, so it looks like there’s a tarp over that boat and they’re standing through the tarp.
28. Keepers of the Labyrinth – Erin E. Moulton
Thoughts: It’s so hard to snark covers this boring. Maybe that’s the point.
29. Like It Never Happened – Emily Adrian
Thoughts: They like totally didn’t hook up under those bleachers.
30. Our Song (Flirt) – A. Destiny & Elizabeth Lenhard
Thoughts: The series always looks like it’s part of the title. FLIRT OUR SONG. 1) Don’t tell me what to do. 2) How the hell do you flirt a song?
31. Shackled – Tom Leveen
Thoughts: This just got dark, despite the high wattage of the light bulb.
32. Blood Will Tell (Point Last Seen #2) – April Henry
Thoughts: What is on those leaves and branches? Fingerprint dusting stuff? Weird snow???
33. Our Brothers at the Bottom of the Bottom of the Sea – Jonathan Kranz
Thoughts: glub glub glub, which is my way of saying while under the sea looking for our brothers that this font treatment is awesome. But I didn’t find our brothers, so I’m going to the carnival now. BYEEEEE.
34. The Last of the Spirits – Chris Priestley
Thoughts: Ooooooh, very Night Before Christmas. Christina like.
35. Above Us Only Sky – Michele Young-Stone
Thoughts: Imagine all the birdies flying round in peaaaaaceeeee.
36. Icefall (Rebel Angel #4) – Gillian Philip
Thoughts: Nope, don’t want. He looks too much like Joffrey. No, wait. Like Joffrey and Peeta’s love child. That’s it.
37. Harrison Squared – Daryl Gregory
Thoughts: Harrison appears to be a terrifying child who can control giant tentacles with his mind. Do not want. I’m not sure what squaring him will do, but it doesn’t sound good.
38. City of the Iron Fish – Simon Ings
Thoughts: UNGHHHH Love these covers, even if this one is a bit fishy.
39. The Machine Awakes (Spider War #2) – Adam Christopher
Thoughts: You sir, may go right back to sleep with that beetle. Nobody wants you either. Take whatever spiders are from the series title with you.
40. Finding Paris – Joy Preble
Thoughts: Might I recommend this thing called a map.
41. From the Notebooks of a Middle School Princess (From the Notebooks of a Middle School Princess #1) – Meg Cabot
Thoughts: I guess because she’s royalty, she could pay the illustrator more, so she gets to look the most realistic.
42. Being a Girl – Hayley Long
Thoughts: B IS FOR BOOBS.
43. Hunting Monsters – SL Huang
Thoughts: She looks very zen. And also veeeeeery fluffy. I would think that sweater would get in the way.
44. What If He’s The One – Kathy Jay
Thoughts: My plot for this cover: A woman falls in love with a drag queen, shown on the cover. The end.
45. The Trials (Project Paper Doll #3) – Stacey Kade
Thoughts: Hahahaha, it looks like that mannequin behind her is kicking her in the butt.
46. I Am the Traitor (Unknown Assassin #3) – Allen Zadoff
Thoughts: That explosion looks so incredibly fake. Also, why are there little pieces of paper all around the edges? THEY CANNOT FIND OUT ABOUT MY ORIGAMI OBSESSION! *torches box and runs*
47. No Life But This (Rosalinda Fitzroy #1) – Anna Sheehan
Thoughts: This Otto have a better cover. BAHAHA. Sorry not sorry for the terrible pun.
48. Challenger Deep – Neal Shusterman
Thoughts: I think I just blue myself prematurely.
US vs. UK: The colors aren’t quite right somehow on the UK cover, but I like that art better than the US, so I declare it the winner. What a croc!
US Hardback vs. US Paperback: I…guess the redesign is better? *shrugs*
UK vs. US: This font treatment makes me feel like I’m about to pass out. NOT COOL. Suddenly the UK cover looks great in comparison.
WTF of the Week:
WTF of the Week began as a special category for one cover I saw, but was so popular it became a recurring feature. Here, I highlight covers, both new and old, that I’ve found, which, upon viewing, made me either snort or say something along the lines of “Dear God, what is that thing?” If you would like to be part of the fun and have spotted a truly hilarious or horrifying cover, submit it and your snark to firstname.lastname@example.org and you might be included, though I will filter through submissions and limit the number of entries per week.
1. Mustang Maddy (Revved & Ready #2) – Kacey Hammell
Thoughts: They are sitting ON the title.
2. Braineater Jones – Stephen Kozeniewski
Thoughts: That DOES sound gross.
3. Journey to Olympus (My Inner Goddess #2) – Wanda Sasparella
Thoughts: My Inner Goddess turns into a finless mermaid and does the mambo.