Cover Snark (100): The One Where Holy Shit I’ve Been Doing This for a Long Time

CoverSnarkChristina2

Welcome to Cover Snark, where the people are snarky and the covers quiver in fear. Since I don’t write many snarky book reviews here on A Reader of Fictions, Cover Snark is my outlet. If you click on the title of the book, where possible, I’ve linked to Goodreads. Clicking on the cover itself will show you the cover in a larger size, in most cases. Feel free to love covers I hate and vice versa. Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

For the special hundredth Cover Snark post, I’ve got some special guests snarking with me: Gillian (Writer of Wrongs), Meg (Cuddlebuggery), and Ellis (Finding Bliss in Books/The Random Transliterator)

Shiny and New:

1. The Vault of Dreamers – Caragh M. O’Brien
The Vault of Dreamers - Caragh M. O'Brien
C: Eye do not approve of this cover. It’s so boring I am in a glauCOMA.

2. Call Me Grim – Elizabeth Holloway
Call Me Grim - Elizabeth Holloway
C: Okay, you’re grim. This one’s literally asking me to insult it, but I think it’s doing a good enough job all on its own.

3. Sabriel (Abhorsen #1) – Garth Nix
Sabriel - Garth Nix
M: All I hear is Maisie Williams saying “Stick ’em with the pointy end!’ even thought I’m pretty sure it was Jon Snow who actually delivered that line but whatever he knows nothing (this tangent has brought to you by Game of Thrones in partnership with HBO and my brain).
G: That sword is very Needle.
E: The girl is very Vin.
C: Oooh, this Australian redesign is rather reminiscent of the new American Mistborn covers.

4. Lirael (Abhorsen #2) – Garth Nix
Lirael - Garth Nix
C: Am I the only one who thinks she looks like a zombie?
E: Yes.
C: Well.

5. Abhorsen (Abhorsen #3) – Garth Nix
Abhorsen - Garth Nix
M: Wonder Twin powers ACTIVATE!

6. Daisy Does It All – Kylie Gilmore
Daisy Does It All - Kylie Gilmore
C: The title sounds like something written on the wall of a high school bathroom stall.
G: Or like an infomercial. “Daisy! She breathes. She blinks. She walks and talks at the same time. Daisy Does It All!”
C: Or, based on the photo, Daisy cured her herpes.

7. The Young Elites (The Young Elites #1) – Marie Lu
The Young Elites - Marie Lu
C: This is a placeholder, right? RIGHT? Like, the font is fine and fancy sword, but this just FEELS unfinished.
G: This CAN’T be the final cover. I refuse to accept it. There’s no actual cover! Really awesome dagger font does not a cover make. Plus the proportions are weird.
E: That particular shade of aquamarine (author name) is making me seasick. And the rest of the cover pffffffffffft.

8. The Hellsblood Bride (Mookie Pearl #2) – Chuck Wendig
The Hellsblood Bride (Mookie Pearl #2) - Chuck Wendig
C: Oooooh, I love when novel covers look like old-fashioned comic books. And I’m being completely serious right now.
G: I don’t love the big Hulk guy up top, but the rest of this is AMAZING. Love the hell red lower half. So cool.

9. Clockwork Courtesan (The Steampunk Empire #1) – Wendy L. Callahan
Clockwork Courtesan (The Steampunk Empire #1) - Wendy L. Callahan
C: Now, I know those are meant to be goggles, but it sure looks like she’s wearing a sleep mask as a headband.
G: I one hundred percent thought that was a sleep mask.
E: It is not?
C: She is a courtesan. Maybe her job calls more for sleep masks than goggles.
E: Maybe it’s a weird fetish thing. Like the eye-mask equivalent of bronies.

10. The Cure for Dreaming – Cat Winters
The Cure for Dreaming - Cat Winters
C: Holy shit, that’s creepy. Especially because it looks like there’s a tiny hand at the top of the chair under her head.
G: This just makes my neck hurt.

11. XOM-B – Jeremy Robinson
XOM-B - Jeremy Robinson
C: It’s like the cover is shaking its fist at Darren Shan for scooping it on the title.
M: When zombies become robots.
G: Zombots.

12. Another One Bites the Dust (Jensen Murphy, Ghost for Hire) – Chris Marie Green
Another One Bites the Dust (Jensen Murphy, Ghost for Hire #2 ) - Chris Marie Green
C: Is she being haunted by Queen? That would be so awesome.
G: And another one gone, and another one gone, and another one bites the dust…

13. The Lesser Dead – Christopher Buehlman
The Lesser Dead - Christopher Buehlman
C: If the lesser dead are this terrifying, I never want to see the greater dead.
G: NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

14. The Midnight Queen – Sylvia Izzo Hunter
The Midnight Queen - Sylvia Izzo Hunter
C: Oooh, pretty purple illustrated cover.
M: I can’t snark this; it’s beautiful.
G: SO PRETTYYYYYY.
E: Is this what they call a bruised sky? (Yup, you’re all right. This cover is unsnarkable.)
C: Owl four of us approve!

15. The Rain – Virginia Bergin
The Rain - Virginia Bergin
G: If just one drop will kill you, why is this girl just strolling along in the open? Not the best life preservation plan.

16. The Buried Life – Carrie Patel
The Buried Life - Carrie Patel
C: I’m a bit squicked out by the eye, but otherwise this is badass.
G: I DID NOT NOTICE THE EYE AND NOW IT IS ALL I NOTICE. But this is ten different kinds of gorgeous.

17. The Voyage of the Basilisk (Memoir by Lady Trent #3) – Marie Brennan
The Voyage of the Basilisk (Memoir by Lady Trent #3) - Marie Brennan
C: Do not look this cover in the eye. Check out the gorgeous full jacket over at Tor.com.
G: Not even Fawkes could defeat that thing.

18. Revenant (Demonica #11) – Larissa Ione
Revenant (Demonica #11) - Larissa Ione
G: I exPECted more.
M: I’m having a conNIPtion
C: You guys are ABsurd.

19. Immortal (Fallen Angels #6) – J.R. Ward
Immortal (Fallen Angels #6) - J.R. Ward
C: I am fairly certain he is eating that bird, feathers and all. Just look at those creepy serial killer eyes.
G: It does look a bit like he’s snacking on a seagull or something. And saying “Come hither” while doing it. *does not go thither*

20. Incarnate (The Spellmason Chronicles #3) – Anton Strout
Incarnate (Spellmason Chronicles) - Anton Strout
C: The great thing about having a gargoyle for a boyfriend is he’s always hard.
E: *insert stick her with the pointy end reference here*
G: He’ll rock her world.
M: I heard there’s an explosive conclusion.

21. Charming – Krystal Wade
Charming - Krystal Wade
Thoughts: Charming is not the word I would have used.
G: Alarming. Disarming. Harming.
E: So Snow White didn’t get her HEA after all?
M: Or did she?
E: Trololol Spank White, now with more BDSM.

22. The Winter Long (October Daye #8) – Seanan McGuire
The Winter Long (October Daye #8) - Seanan McGuire
C: Is it bad that I would like a shirt with that blood soak effect (but no real blood) to get in my closet?
G: Christina, that is what people wear when they don’t want to let on that they’ve murdered someone.
E: Meg, is that you?
M: Funny you should ask Ellis, I have a shirt juuuust like that.
E: YOU MADE IT ONTO A MIRA GRANT COVER WHEEEEEEE!

23. Our Broken Sky (Chaos Theory #1.5) – Sarah Harian
Our Broken Sky - Sarah Harian
C: Oooh, I think this is the lesbian novella. And that character’s silhouette is spot on. Hollaaaaa!
G: Lesbian novella and awesome hair cut outweigh somewhat sickly green color.

24. Falling Sky – Rajan Khanna
Falling Sky - Rajan Khanna
C: Chicken Little as you’ve never seen him before.
G: Chicken Little, jauntily accessorized.
M: Sassy scarf and all.

25. Beau, Lee, The Bomb & Me – Mary McKinley
Beau, Lee, The Bomb & Me - Mary McKinley
Thoughts: I feel like this should be a sign hanging outside of some kids’ secret fort.

26. Nothing Real Volume 1: A Collection of Stories – Claire Needall
Nothing Real Volume 1 A Collection of Stories - Claire Needall
C: The title is giving me a ransom note vibe.
G: GIVE US A BETTER COVER AND NO ONE GETS HURT.

27. The Fire Artist – Daisy Whitney
The Fire Artist - Daisy Whitney
G: These are not spirit fingers. THESE are spirit fingers. And these? Are gold.
M: She’d be handy to have on a camping trip.

28. Brood – Chase Novak
Brood - Chase Novak
C: This building does look magnificent for brooding.
E: If Stefan Salvatore was a house, this would be it.
M: I don’t know though, it doesn’t look sad enough,
E: True. This is more “Elena can see me so I’m pretending everything is fine” Stefan.

29. Crushed (Soul Eaters #2) – Eliza Crewe
Crushed (Soul Eaters #2) - Eliza Crewe
C: Any moment now, Indiana Jones is going to pop out and steal that.
M: Before rushing off to join a biker gang.

30. Loop – Karen Akins
Loop - Karen Akins
Thoughts: THIS is the kind of cheese I do not like. This and roquefort. My favorite’s gouda.

31. Winterkill – Kate A. Boorman
Winterkill - Kate A. Boorman
C: This cover has a very Red Riding Hood vibe, specifically that movie from a couple of years ago.

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32. Tiger’s Promise (The Tiger Saga, #0.5) – Colleen Houck
Tiger's Promise (The Tiger Saga, #0.5) - Colleen Houck
C: Does the tiger promise to stop putting out these books?

33. Talon (Talon #1) – Julie Kagawa
Talon - Julie Kagawa
C: I have a very strong desire to pet a dragon.
G: Marvelous creatures, dragons, aren’t they?

34. Vivian Versus America (Vivian Versus the Apocalypse #2) – Katie Coyle
Vivian Versus America - Katie Coyle
C: Talk to the left hand, America, cuz you ain’t right.

35. Evil Librarian – Michelle Knudsen
Evil Librarian - Michelle Knudsen
Thoughts: Sacre bleu! The librarian drew on a book cover. Poor Introduction to the Italian Language.

36. Say Her Name – James Dawson
Say Her Name - James Dawson
C: Say her name, say her name. If no one is around you, say baby I fear you or she’ll eat your soul.
G: Say her na-ame, say her name. She acting kinda shady, creepin’ in the shower, ain’t got time for that shit, gonna run away.
E: “In five days she will come.” = longest orgasm build-up on earth

37. Egg and Spoon – Gregory Maguire
Egg and Spoon - Gregory Maguire
C: Not as eggcellent as it could have been.
G: Hmm, I like it. It’s a good eggxample of how to do a cut out cover. Blink and you’ll miss the Ruin and Rising elements at the top.

38. Elusive Memories (The Hunted #1) – Amanda Shofner
Elusive Memories - Amanda Shofner
C: Does this title really need to be on here twice? Also, I am twitching at the words split in half. I do not like this cover trend.
G: The logic behind these decisions is elusive.
M: Such rain. Very sadness.

39. Kiss Me Hard Before You Go – Shannon McCrimmon
Kiss Me Hard Before You Go - Shannon McCrimmon
G: This just makes me think of Code Name Verity. “Kiss me, Hardy!”

40. The Shadow’s Curse (The Knots Sequence #2) – Amy McCulloch
The Shadow's Curse - Amy McCulloch
G: That blue is SO out of nowhere.
M: This is a completely inaccurate portrayal of how gravity works.
G: Also is he grabbing dat ass or is it just me?
C: More like dat waist, but I’m sure he’ll get there.

41. Everblaze (Keeper of the Lost Cities #3) – Shannon Messenger
Everblaze (Keeper of the Lost Cities #3) - Shannon Messenger
C: They appear to be falling with style.

42. Combustion Hour – Yoon Ha Lee
Combustion Hour - Yoon Ha Lee
C: I’m not entirely sure what’s happening here, but I feel like Tim Burton would make the movie version.
M: It reminds me a little of the animation from the Deathly Hallows story in the first half of the seventh HP movie but you probably don’t know what I’m talking about do you? DO YOU?
C: I will not give in to peer pressure.

43. Unlocked: An Oral History of Haden’s Syndrome – John Scalzi
Unlocked An Oral History of Haden's Syndrome - John Scalzi
C: That lock is looking at me. I do not lock this sensation.
M: The lock wants to consume our souls.

44. My Lord Rogue – Katherine Bone
My Lord Rogue - Katherine Bone
M: OO-ER
G: Last name Bone + sexually suggestive sword = Gillian craughing.

Cover Battles:

1. Otherworld Nights (Otherworld Stories #3) – Kelley Armstrong

Otherworld Nights (Otherworld #1-3) - Kelley Armstrong
Otherworld Nights - Kelley Armstrong

Canadian vs. US:
C: Our options are naked lady or lady in too much animal print. Hmmmm.

2. Breathe, Annie, Breathe (Hundred Oaks #5) – Miranda Kenneally

Breathe, Annie, Breathe by Miranda Kenneally
Breathe, Annie, Breathe – Miranda Kenneally

Take 1 vs. Take 2:
C: I’m glad they redesigned, but IT STILL DOESN’T MATCH THE REST OF THE SERIES.
G: At least it’s a bit CLOSER now that they’ve gone with a photo of a person. Even if it’s not a headless person, like before.
E: Forever weeping over the loss of green. It’s not that hard to run on grass. (Okay, it is because whoa exhaustion, but it’s not that hard to POSE like you’re running on grass.)

3. The Dark World (Dark World #1) – Cara Lynn Shultz

The Dark World - Cara Lynn Shultz
The Dark World (Dark World #1) - Cara Lynn Shultz

US vs. Australian:
C: This is either a science fiction novel or a historical, based on these covers.

WTF of the Week:

WTF of the Week began as a special category for one cover I saw, but was so popular it became a recurring feature. Here, I highlight covers, both new and old, that I’ve found, which, upon viewing, made me either snort or say something along the lines of “Dear God, what is that thing?” If you would like to be part of the fun and have spotted a truly hilarious or horrifying cover, submit it and your snark to readeroffictions@gmail.com and you might be included, though I will filter through submissions and limit the number of entries per week.

1. Plumb Crazy – Molly Blaisdell
Plumb Crazy - Molly Blaisdell
C: Because nothing says romance like bowel movements and unclogging toilets. Also, I highly recommend reading the blurb.

2. Macaque Attack – Gareth L. Powell
Macacque Attack - Gareth L. Powell
Thoughts: I hate every ape I see, from Chimpan A to Chimpan Z.

3. High Class Harlot (Switching Tracks #2) – Delia Steele
High Class Harlot - Delia Steele
C: Tears, I am laughing so much there are tears. Her face. The fact that she’s climbing on a train in five inch heels. The title. The fact that, according to Google, Mandomania either isn’t a thing or is an obsession with mandolins. I’m dying.
G: POLLUTED LINGO. I am going to go with the assumption that this is about a woman who has devoted her life to mandolins.

Outstanding Cover of the Week:

The Midnight Queen

This week, the four of us agreed on an outstanding cover.

The Midnight Queen - Sylvia Izzo Hunter

To learn more or purchase:Goodreads|Amazon|TBD|B&N

16 responses to “Cover Snark (100): The One Where Holy Shit I’ve Been Doing This for a Long Time”

  1. Annie says:

    happy 100!

    – LOVE the new Garth Nix covers.

    6 – Debbie Does Dallas. After that no one should ever use a girls name that starts with “D” followed by Does. For anything.

    14 – very pretty

    16 – I didn’t see the eye either! thanks. otherwise, it’s all sorts of pretty.

    17 – wow. I love how both pretty and very unique this is.

    32 – ha! also the upside down head is too odd for me to handle.

    the blurb on Plumb Crazy – I think the most important question isn’t do they have anything left in common but does he have his nose back?
    Annie recently posted…a reversal on reviewsMy Profile

    • Christina Franke says:

      6 – *snorts*

      17. This cover is gorgeous. I may have to consider reading these.

      32. I finally figured out why this face weirds me out: it’s like Scar dressed up as Jasmine or something.

      Do noses grow back?

  2. Meg says:

    WHAT A SNARKALICIOUS 100 SNARKINGS IT’S BEEN. That makes little sense, oh well. Thank you for the opportunity to guest snark, it was vair delightful.
    Meg recently posted…Review: What I Thought Was True by Huntley FitzpatrickMy Profile

  3. I may not have seen every Snark, but those I have seen have been fantastic! I have to say, I adore Say Her Names cover, the blurb, just everything, it’s beautiful! And I also agree on the The Midnight Queen, it’s just so pretty! And Winterkill, I need to find out what that’s like, it looks fantastic! The cheery this week was your humour girls,, it was lovely to see you all snark together, and I think more joint snarks would be great in the future Christina! 😀
    Amanda @ Book Badger recently posted…Book Review – Mortal CoilMy Profile

  4. Stormy says:

    #1–Time to retire the eye covers, I think.
    #3-5 I like these new Abhorsen covers, but they do look a *lot* like the new US Mistborn covers. I think I still prefer the symbol-heavy ones. They’re not the most exciting, but they look classic.
    #7–I thought this one was a placeholder too. It’s so blank! The title placement looks off to me too. I think I’d like it slightly more if it was higher on the cover.
    #14–Yup, outstanding!
    #16– As pretty as the cover for The Midnight Queen is, I think this is actually my favorite. It’s stunning.
    #17–This is awesome too.
    #25–This reminds me a lot of the Side Effects May Vary cover.
    Stormy recently posted…On Full Fathom Five and Supporting AuthorsMy Profile

  5. 2. Um, based on the synopsis, it seems that the title gives away the entire ending. That’s unfortunate.

    6. Seems like the only thing Daisy doesn’t do is get that flipping hair out of her mouth. Bleck. Also, doesn’t she remind you all of Kate Hudson?

    7. Oh my word, this is so boring. And I hate how the huge title font at the bottom makes the entire cover look short and squished.

    9. Literally the only thing that even hints this is steampunk in the gear background. She looks like she stepped out of a weird erotic novel.

    10. Cat Winters has clearly pleased the creepy cover gods.

    11. Xombie? What’s a xombie? WHAT’S WITH THE X?

    12. I can’t really pay attention any more. Too busy grooving. Dun dun dun another one bites the dust… (Sidenote: Am a little sad this isn’t about a ghost girl pulled back into a Wild West saloon.)

    15. As a Florida girl approaching the summer months where it rains EVERY. DAY. this makes me very nervous.

    17. Oh wow. Oh WOW. I’m in love.

    19. This totally explains why you never see angels with full beards. Can you imagine?

    27. Oh no. Oh no no no. This is such a neat-sounding book. It does not deserve this cover. No.

    33. Dragon dragon dragon dragon dragon dragon dragon dragon

    36. I will not! Thankfully, I don’t even know her name. I’m going to call her Beula.

    37. I don’t mind the cover, but the synopsis made me mad. Baba Yaga “in a starring role only Gregory Maguire could have conjured?” Uh, no. Baba Yaga has been around for forever and a day.

    38. She looks really old.

    39. Thanks, Gillian. I felt all light and happy until you made the CNV connection.
    Shae/Shelver @ Shae Has Left The Room recently posted…Cover Love #52My Profile

  6. THANK YOU ELLIS for saying what we were all thinking about Say Her Name.
    Blythe Harris recently posted…Review: Looking for Alibrandi by Melina MarchettaMy Profile

  7. Oh my god, I’m absolutely freaking laughing right now. My friend’s wife is the model for number 2) Call Me Grim! I’ve seen her images being used quite a bit recently and it gets me everytime.
    Georgie @ What She Reads recently posted…REVIEW: ME SINCE YOUMy Profile

  8. Roro says:

    What’s wrong with macaque attack ? I love those covers . Each to their own ,I guess .
    Roro recently posted…Review : THE RIVERMAN BY AARON STARMERMy Profile

  9. kara-karina says:

    Happy 100th, Christina! My favorite feature on your blog – I get so many new books added to my Goodreads shelves from it! 🙂
    kara-karina recently posted…Friday Mini Reviews #21 – Sierra Dean, Emma Chase & Ava Lovelace aka Delilah S. DawsonMy Profile

  10. 6. I’m sorry but I’m thinking even worse than you guys. That sounds like the title of a porn movie!

    7. Well that’s boring.

    9. Agree with Christina. I TOTALLY thought it was a sleep mask. This cover does not look steampunk to me. ROFL Ellis!!

    11. Ewww, I see bite marks in his arms. *gags*

    12. Oooh, is this about a haunted bartender?

    13. The scratched mirror effect is pretty cool. Otherwise I am not a fan of faces on covers.

    26. LOL I actually love this cover. Bad, Christina. Bad.

    28!! OMG, y’all are so fucking funny!

    31. That is one of the best fonts I have ever seen. SO CREATIVE.

    33. Again, underwhelmed. This one feels unfinished to me too. Meh.

    36. I was waiting for someone to say it. That tagline makes me think pervy things. Thanks, Ellis. 😀

    39. Love how the author’s name is on the suitcase. This is just adorable!

    WTF2: OMG I almost spit my coffee laughing!
    Kara @ Great Imaginations recently posted…Book Review of Thorn by Intisar KhananiMy Profile

  11. Saji Connor says:

    Love the Modnight Queen” cover! It’s just perfect!
    Have Happy Easter days! xoxo

  12. Leah says:

    This post is hysterical, how have I never stumbled across this before?! Love the comments from other bloggers too. Though I’m a fan of a fair few of them (The Buried Life, Winterkill).
    Leah recently posted…Hodder & Stoughton 2014 WishlistMy Profile

  13. 1. *snickers* Love the comment.
    6. Not a very fortunate photo for the girl.
    7. I’m disappointed by this cover 🙁
    10. Creepy, cool cover! I also can’t wait to see where her feet are on the complete dust jacket (was a hint from Cat Winters)
    13. That’s scary.
    14. I love it!
    15. The blurb sounds really good though. It’s not a good idea to walk around, but she is going on a journey, so the cover makes sense.
    16. I didn’t realize there was an eye until you told me. Now.. it’s staring at me.
    31. Yes, Red riding hood vibe, I like it.
    33. I can’t wait to see how this book is going to look in real life.
    36. Bloody Mary always creeps me out.
    40. This would have been much better without those blue edges.

    The dark world: hmmm, US.
    3. Why would someone want to appear on a cover with such a title? And not to forget it’s a horrible picture too.
    Mel@thedailyprophecy recently posted…Fairytale News 35. Spoilers.My Profile

  14. […] again, I have to thank Christina and Cover Snark for keeping in the cover loop, because this book comes out next month and I’m not exactly […]

  15. Bonnie says:

    1. Reminds me of Karen Russell’s cover ‘Sleep Donation’.
    7. That can’t possibly be the final cover. I mean sure Legend covers were simple too but this is just lazy.
    8. Badass cover. But Mookie Pearl? Lol
    10. Oh creepy! I didn’t notice the hand by her head. WTF
    11. It looks like he’s turning into Colossus.
    14. SO PRETTY.
    25. That is definitely a sassy scarf.
    31. I LIKE.
    38. I don’t care for the new trend of putting the series name on the cover either.
    39. Gah. I totally thought of CNV too.

    Cover Battle
    3. Well I like the historical fiction-y cover but that doesn’t seem to match with the summary…
    Bonnie recently posted…Top Ten Tuesday – Movies/Shows and their Literary CounterpartsMy Profile

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