Cover Snark (84): The One with Christmas WTFery

CoverSnarkChristina2

Welcome to Cover Snark, where the people are snarky and the covers quiver in fear. Since I don’t write many snarky book reviews here on A Reader of Fictions, Cover Snark is my outlet. If you click on the title of the book, where possible, I’ve linked to Goodreads. Clicking on the cover itself will show you the cover in a larger size, in most cases. Feel free to love covers I hate and vice versa. Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

Shiny and New:

1. I See London – Chanel Cleeton
I See London - Chanel Cleeton
Thoughts: Duuuudes, this is like a Christmas present from the cover gods. I’ve made so many “I See London, I See France” jokes and this! I See London, I See France, They’re not even wearing any underpants. Nothing says sexy like elementary school taunts, am I right?

2. The Deep End of the Sea – Heather Lyons
The Deep End of the Sea - Heather Lyons
Thoughts: We’re starting the Christmas week covers with a bang. So much nudity all ready. ‘Tis the season, I guess, since there are so many September babies. Time for the titillating sexy books.

3. Cuckoo Song – Frances Hardinge
Cuckoo Song - Frances Hardinge
Thoughts: This reminds me of the Fever 1793 cover. Too bad it didn’t take after the A Face Like Glass cover. Boo.

4. Some Fine Day – Kat Ross
Some Fine Day - Kat Ross
Thoughts: FUCKING BORING. Floating eyes have been done to death. Let’s not go there ever again.

5. Evidence of Things Not Seen – Lindsey Lane
Evidence of Things Not Seen - Lindsey Lane
Thoughts: Oooh, this is coo. I especially love the font treatments. Pretty colors.

6. Riding the Wave (Pacific Blue #1) – Lorelie Brown
Riding the Wave - Lorelie Brown
Thoughts: More sexy sand in every orifice. HOT STUFF. Salt and sand ERRYWHERE.

7. The Romeo Club – Rebekah L. Purdy
The Romeo Club - Rebekah L. Purdy
Thoughts: Wow, so it’s about boring men? This is even hotter than sand in your hooha. Or maybe it’s equally sexy. I’m just so glad the boring men are all getting laid. Of course, reading the blurb, the translation for “bores” is apparently nerds. And now I’m offended.

8. Blonde Ops – Charlotte Bennardo & Natalie Zaman
Blonde Ops - Charlotte Bennardo and Natalie Zaman
Thoughts: I want to go on a foreign vacation in cute dresses. That’s not meant to be the point of the cover, though, is it?

9. Othello (Shakespeare for Everyone Else #2) – C.E. Wilson
Othello - C.E. Wilson
Thoughts: Maybe this play will make more sense if there are drugs involved. Maybe not.

10. Soul Betrayed (The Life After #3) – Katlyn Duncan
Soul Betrayed (The Life After #3) - Katlyn Duncan
Thoughts: What on earth did she eat to barf all that pink stuff? Cotton candy overdose?

11. Dirty Wings (All Our Pretty Songs #2) – Sarah McCarry
Dirty Wings - Sarah McCarry
Thoughts: The faces are hilariously perpendicular. Is the one girl sleeping on the other girl’s lap? Somehow I doubt this is LGBT, but that would be cool.

12. The Accidental Socialite – Stephanie Wahlstrom
The Accidental Socialite - Stephanie Wahlstrom
Thoughts: The Headless, Levitating Socialite

13. The Paper Sword (Spell Crossed #1) – Robert Priest
The Paper Sword (Spell Crossed #1) - Robert Priest
Thoughts: Sleeping Beauty’s Prince has to fight the vines and Maleficent with a paper sword? Paper beats rock, but I don’t think it beats thorns.

14. Night’s End (Indigo Court #5) – Yasmine Galenorn
Night's End (An Indigo Court Novel) by Yasmine Galenorn
Thoughts: Oooh, she’s so pretty. She looks like those drawings of real life Disney princesses.

15. The Ring & the Crown – Melissa de la Cruz
The Ring & the Crown - Melissa de la Cruz
Thoughts: BAHAHAHAHA, FLOWER HAT.

16. The Dare – Hannah Jayne
The Dare - Hannah Jayne
Thoughts: Then why is she here? I SEE YOU.

17. The Prank List – Anna Staniszewski
The Prank List - Anna Staniszewski
Thoughts: She is almost as messy of a baker as Gillian. Also, why don’t I have any cupcakes?

18. Some Boys – Patty Blount
Some Boys - Patty Blount
Thoughts: This looks like a Jennifer Brown cover.

19. Breathe, Annie, Breathe (Hundred Oaks #5) – Miranda Kenneally
Breathe, Annie, Breathe by Miranda Kenneally
Thoughts: WHY DOES THIS NOT MATCH ALL THE OTHER BOOKS? ARE THEY REDESIGNING? THIS IS NOT OKAY.

20. The XYZs of Being Wicked – Lara Chapman
The XYZs of Being Wicked - Lara Chapman
Thoughts: Hmmm, I’m a little weirded out by middle grade cover with lipstick. But I love that title.

21. The Dream Boy – Madelyn Rosenberg & Mary Crockett Hill
The Dream Boy - Madelyn Rosenberg & Mary Crockett Hill
Thoughts: So pretty. And the tagline flips a hopeful saying on its head in a deliciously wicked way. Yesssss.

22. Signed, Skye Harper – Carol Lynch Williams
Signed, Skye Harper - Carol Lynch Williams
Thoughts: Is this the past?

23. Sk8er Boy (Go Big or Go Home #1) – Zoe Dawson
Sk8er Boy - Zoe Dawson
Thoughts: He was a sk8er boi. She said, “see you later, boi.” He wasn’t good enough for her.

24. Say Something – Jennifer Brown
Say Something - Jennifer Brown
Thoughts: Speaking of Jennifer Brown covers, this is one.

25. Seconds – Bryan Lee O’Malley
Seconds - Bryan Lee O'Malley
Thoughts: That kind of looks like a Who from Whoville.

26. Deluge (River of Time #4) – Lisa T. Bergren
Deluge - Lisa T. Bergren
Thoughts: Floating head menaces town. When she watches The Notebook, the town will suffer a monsoon-level deluge of tears.

27. Chapter Six – Stephen Graham Jones
Chapter Six - Stephen Graham Jones
Thoughts: The zombie has sighted me. Commence cloaking procedures.

28. Cold War – Adam Christopher
Cold War - Adam Christopher
Thoughts: This looks so much like a Barnes and Noble Classics cover. So weird.

29. Chasers of the Wind (The Cycle of Wind and Sparks #1) – Alexey Pehov
Chasers of the Wind (The Cycle of Wind and Sparks #1) - Alexey Pehov
Thoughts: I just watched this movie!

Cover Battles:

1. NIL – Lynne Matson

Nil
NIL - Lynne Matson

Take 1 vs. Take 2: I’m not really bothered about this change. I think the loss of the colors is a bit sad, but it looks LESS like it’s the YA Survivor. The blurb’s less Catching Fire too. Then again, it’s very LOST. Neither of these is terrible, but neither does anything for me.

2. Visions (Cainsville #2) – Kelley Armstrong

Visions by Kelley Armstrong
Visions - Kelley Armstrong

US vs. Canadian: Hmmm, slight preference for Canada’s cover, mostly because I find the hot pink title font really out of place.

WTF of the Week:

WTF of the Week began as a special category for one cover I saw, but was so popular it became a recurring feature. Here, I highlight covers, both new and old, that I’ve found, which, upon viewing, made me either snort or say something along the lines of “Dear God, what is that thing?” If you would like to be part of the fun and have spotted a truly hilarious or horrifying cover, submit it and your snark to readeroffictions@gmail.com and you might be included, though I will filter through submissions and limit the number of entries per week.

1. All She Wants for Christmas – Sarah V. Olds
All She Wants for Christmas - Sarah V. Olds
Thoughts: Clearly all women want for Christmas is the good ol’ dick in a box.

2. The Christmas Top – Christi Snow
The Christmas Top - Christi Snow
Thoughts: OH MY.

3. Christmas Goes Analog – Kate Lowell
Christmas Goes Analog - Kate Lowell
Thoughts: One out of two cover models gives analog Christmas one thumb up!

4. How Zombies Stole Christmas – Sidney Bristol
How Zombies Stole Christmas - Sidney Bristol
Thoughts: Zombies stole all the presents, because they hate Christmas. However, the Scottish townspeople’s spirit charms the zombie and it ends in a feast…upon the Scottish townspeople. They’re still zombies you know.

Outstanding Cover of the Week:

Breathe, Annie, Breathe

The Outstanding Cover of the Week is chosen by a Cover Snark reader. They are free to pick any of the week’s covers, whether they’re to my personal tastes or not. If you’d like to choose the cover for a week, either email or tweet me. You will need to be available Wednesday evening to consult.

Breathe, Annie, Breathe by Miranda Kenneally

Today, welcome Nafiza (Bibliophilic Monologues), who has selected Breathe, Annie, Breathe by Miranda Kenneally. Here’s why:

“I choose Breathe Annie Breathe. I was going to go with The Ring and The Crown (flower hat and all) until I realized that it looked like a blood smeared wall and now I can’t unsee it and it’s unsettling, so it’s Breathe Annie Breathe. I like the simplicity and utilization of space on the cover. The typography is also breezy and considering the nature of the books, quite fitting. I also like how quirky it is. The ponytail gives an illusion of motion and I like that.”

To learn more or purchase: Goodreads|Amazon|TBD|B&N

18 responses to “Cover Snark (84): The One with Christmas WTFery”

  1. Lynn K. says:

    None I like this week. Booo.
    Can’t even snark at all those nude-y covers lol. *facepalm*

  2. 1. Uhg, I really don’t like covers like this.
    2. Mwah, it’s better than the first one, that’s for sure.
    4. The tag line sounds interesting, but I don’t like eye-covers.
    5. The geometric lines make me think of ‘The forsaken’ I like it.
    13. I like your description more than the actual blurb of the book.
    14. Damn, she is stunning. I like that she has another ethnic. She reminds me a bit of Jasmine.
    15. I like what they did with the font, but that’s it.
    19. I’m not a fan of the other covers, but this design isn’t any better.
    21. Pretty, I love the title font with those swirls on the R and B.

    1. I think the tag line from the re-design cover is more catchy.
    4. How zombies stole Christmas, very confusing cover, haha.
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    • Christina Franke says:

      4. I’ve yet to read a book about a floating eye, so why are there eight million covers like this?

      5. I see that. But I liked that element. haha.

      13. I did not read the actual blurb. :-p But clearly they should hire me.

      14. That’s what I was thinking!

      19. I like the others in a fluffy contemp way.

      21. Yessss. I was really sad I couldn’t find this on GR. I wanted to add it.

  3. 1 and 2. Well, can you blame them for being naked? It’s Christmas! That time of year when some people have too much eggnog and they accidentally lose all their clothes.

    4. Agreed. Boooooooooooring. Strange Chem can do much better than this.

    5. I agree, this one is pretty cool. I love the lines and dots and things (there’s probably a name for them and I don’t caaaare).

    7. Yeah, that tagline sucks. :/ I remember reading a thing once where a girl got stuck teaching a bunch of socially stunted guys–all popular guys really dumb in the ways of wooing women–and they all took a liking to her and wouldn’t leave her the hell alone after the lessons were done. I can’t remember the title or the author or even where I found it, but I think it was a fanfic.

    11. I really looooove this cover because of the darkness and colors and stuff, but then I remembered it’s the second All Our Pretty Songs book and looked at the jacket copy. IT SOUNDS LIKE THE SAME BOOK EXCEPT THE NARRATOR ISN’T NAMELESS THIS TIME. Nope. Not touching it except maybe to run my hands across the cover in a bookstore. And considering their daughters in the first book made out and my head says they’re both bi (some will say I’m reading it too simply/complexly, but I say FUCK IT, THEY BI), the moms might be too. Not curious enough to find out.

    15. *snores*

    16. I would have been excited about this two weeks ago, but then I started See Jane Run. 😐 I’m thinking Jayne was a one-hit wonder for me because she went with a subject I loooove for that first book.

    17. I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS. Also, you have no cupcakes because you didn’t get any and Gillian and I stole the ones you might have had in another life. Because our need of sugary goods defies the laws of time and space.

    19. I DON’T EVEN READ THIS SERIES AND THE CHANGE INFURIATES ME. WHY CHANGE SUCH DECENT, CONSISTENT COVERS TO *THIS*? WHYYYYYY?

    1. I’m kind of meh on the change, but I hope they take advantage of all the possible cover effects they can do with the dust jacket. SO MANY THINGS.

    1-4. Clearly, men and their dicks are big fans of Christmas.
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    • Christina Franke says:

      1. Ah, yes. Winter. The season of public nudity. How often I forget.

      4. They started out poorly, but then got good. I hope this isn’t the beginning to a backslide.

      5. I also do not know this name.

      7. Cool story, bro. :-p But somehow I bet that’s not what happens here. Probably she falls in love with one of them. NERDY IS NOT BORING. I WILL KICK THIS BOOK.

      11. I have no idea what is happening. I know nothing about these books. But bi would be a lot more interesting, no matter what the alternative is. THE OPPORTUNITIES FOR SHIPPING.

      16. I have my subjects like that too, where I automatically like the book one star more than normal, unless the author really fucks it up.

      17. YOU GUYS ARE THE MEANEST.

      19. If this were a new series, I’d be like ehhhh, but as a replacement for the cuteness, I’m le sad.

      1. It could be quite shiny.

      1-4. Everyone wants dick for Christmas, it’s true.

  4. Morgan says:

    1. Oh My Lord. This almost seems like a WTF right off the bat! Nice (cliche background), terrible people.
    2. Very depressing
    6. AGREED, beach sexytimes seems like the world’s worst idea. The colors on the cover are appealing though.
    13. A little boring, but the cover made me want to find out what this book was, so I guess that’s a plus.
    15. Really really disappointed with this cover. Wallpaper + flower hat = NO.
    20. Super cute, I love it!
    21. Ooh, are those nooses hanging from the tree?
    29. Looks like a White Walker on steroids. And I love how every series name has to follow the “A Song of Ice and Fire” formula. So hokey.
    1. I think the new cover is interesting! Wish it was more colorful but I really like the layout and the title poking out of the water.
    2. I prefer the US actually, I like the side of the old house and the background colors.

  5. Nafiza says:

    Why are there so many covers with falling girls? Maybe that’ll be the new thing in 2014: trying to defy gravity and failing.
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  6. Ellis says:

    2. Kind of love this cover. I’m sure some stuck-up art historian would call it “nude, not naked” which just, dude no. Still, pretty thing you made there, cover artist(s).

    6. The way he lies there, though. They’re like a couple of statues and he’s all “Sculpt me, Bernini! Sculpt me!” and she wants Bernini to back the hell off.

    8. Well. You can’t even see she’s blonde, now can ya? Maybe it’s part of the mystery. EVEN THE READER WAS FOOLED.

    9. IT’S THAT DUDE FROM THE MUCH ADO NA COVER. Oooh, it’s probably the same series. Eh, not interested enough to check.

    18. IT DOES. It so does. MIND TWINS.

    19. I feel so torn up about this cover. WHERE IS THE GREEN, MIRANDA? Honestly, this looks very MG. Nothing wrong with that but WHERE IS THE GREEN, MIRANDA?

    24. Hmmm. Can she steal the one that just looks like her? I like it better.

    1. Um. He kind of looks like a cowboy but then he doesn’t and I’m so confused and this is not what I want for Christmas AT ALL.
    Ellis recently posted…Review – RedMy Profile

  7. Kayla Beck says:

    3. I don’t hate it. It’s strange and I wouldn’t face it out on the shelf, but I want to know more. Maybe.

    5. That made my right eye go blurry nearly instantaneously. What. The. Fuck.

    8. I would expect nothing less by those two authors. They have sent me some of the best, fashionable swag. I would march on strike against the cover designers with them if they weren’t given a fantastic cover. Also, I REALLY want those shoes!

    11. I bought the first book just because, but this cover is too creepy for me to do that again.

    12. Don’t you hate it when your sleeves are longer than your skirt?

    14. She’s pretty, but the cover’s still ridiculous. WTF is up with the terrible fake tattoos and silly tiaras?

    15. How dare you make fun of Carmen Miranda‘s daughter?!

    21. *makes grabby hands*

    22. I want her shoes, too.

    24. This is what Valtrex pamplets should look like, not those with happy couples on the cover.

    29. Chances are good that I will read this book. This is right up Nerd Alley from me.

    CB1. I prefer the first cover as a book cover, but I really like the second one’s color.

    WTF1. Especially from elves.

    WTF4. Were there Scottish berserkers who liked to fight naked, too? Because I have a feeling that the fellow on the cover is one of them, and that kilt is about to hit the floor!
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  8. Gillian says:

    2. ‘Tis the season for nudity. I approve.

    5. This is, indeed, coo. 😉

    6. Oh, “the wave”. So that’s what the cool kids are calling it these days. I get it. You RIDE that wave. You go on and ride it.

    7. This looks like a baaaaad ABC Family movie I’d totally watch.

    8. I will take her dress and her shoes and her cute yellow vespa please.

    10. Ewwwww

    13. OOOO PRETTY VINES SPARKLY SWORD I LIKE

    15. I love everything but the face. The font is cooool. DANG IT I’M GOING TO READ THIS, AREN’T I? NOOOOO.

    17. Dude, I’m sure I’m a messier baker. And her apron is ADORABLE I WANTS IT.

    19. THIS REDESIGN BAFFLES ME MUCHLY NO LIKEY NO WANTY

    20. That title. I want.

    21. PURDYYYYYYYYYY

    23. She had a pretty face but her head was up in space. She needed to come back down to eaaaaaaaaaaarth.

    CB1. I think this change was a massive improvement. I like the cooler cover, the submerged nil. I hated the way the scratched numbers looked on the old one. It was strangely tribal and I disliked the people.

    WTF1. Ah, so THIS is why you had “Dick in a Box” on the brain.

    WTF2. LOLOLOLOL

    WTF3. LOLOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!

    WTF4. They stole them with their deltoids!
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  9. Lesley says:

    Not a great week for covers, was it? These are all a bit unimpressive. Maybe all the cover designers take December off or something?

    That being said, my wallet and to-read pile are very happy about this turn of events!
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  10. 1. There is so much wrong with this. All naked in public is a no. Title is a no. Weird bluish tint is a no.

    3. This greatly disturbs me.

    4. Her name is Jansin? Primate/amphibian hybrid toads? Synopsis is worse than the cover!

    5. Love this!

    7. I realize I should not be judging a book by it’s cover, but this one screams DO NOT READ, I AM TERRIBLE at me.

    10. I’m really tired of girls in water covers, especially when most of the time it has nothing to do with the story at all!

    15. Reminds me of the creepy butterfly dress that was in that Effie wore in the Catching Fire movie.

    19. I was soooooo disappointed in this cover! All the other covers are awesome and not only does this one NOT MATCH but it’s not even awesome!

    CB1. I much prefer the second one. The people on the first one are a little bit creepy.
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  11. Sarah J says:

    This weeks covers aren’t that great. There are a few really good ones, but it just seems like this was the week of mediocre covers.
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  12. Angie F. says:

    8. I need that dress. And maybe the shoes in a different color.

    10. I like the colors…

    12. Shoes!!!

    19. Looks weird. I wouldn’t have thought this was the same series.

    Battles.
    1. The second.

    WTF.
    1. LoL

    4. I actually kind of want to read this…
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  13. Haha yeah cover nr. 8 is definitely making me want to go to Italy and wear a pretty dress and drive a Vespa. I’m not interested in the book but the cover is pretty cute.

    19. I AM SO SO MAD AT THIS. I WANT MY COVERS TO MATCH AND THIS ISN’T EVEN A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. THE OTHERS WERE SO CUTE. *SOBBING*

    All the rest are boring. I don’t love any of them and I can’t laugh at any of them. Blegh. Designers, step it up and make me love your covers or make me truly laugh at them (I don’t care which one).
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  14. 1. I cannot see the Brits being okay with this. Then again, aren’t topless beaches big in Europe?

    2. Is she really nekkid? I can’t tell.

    5. Meh. I don’t know what the sticks are all about.

    8. Okaaaaay, this looks cute. And I love her skirt (dress?).

    10. I don’t like how the series/title are situated. It makes it look like one long nonsensical title.

    12. Who is flashing her undies to all the world with the way her legs are. Maybe she should form a club with the people in the first cover.

    14. It’s snowing! Put a jacket on, woman! Pneumonia is not attractive!

    16. She’s like the cat. You know… “The cat came back the very next day. The cat came back – he thought he was a goner! Oh the cat came back. It just couldn’t stay awaaaaaaaaay.” I hate that song.

    21. THIS IS SO PRETTY.
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  15. Ugh, if that is a redesign for the Hundred Oaks series, it’s one of the most fugly redesigns I’ve ever seen. But I suppose, if it is, that will just light a fire under my ass to buy the old ones ASAP.
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  16. 3. I really love this. Super creepy and it makes me feel cuckoo. Haha.

    5. I really want to go to the desert. That is all.

    6. Riding the CRIMSON wave?

    11. Oh wow. That is baddddd.

    15. But the font is freaking EPIC.

    19. Ugh, the other covers were perfectly fine. This is SHIT.

    21. Pretty, but I find this boring.

    28. That looks like a giant spider in the background.

    CB1. I didn’t hate the old cover but I do love the blue of the new one.

    Really unimpressed with the covers this week. I DO like the NIL one though.
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