Cover Snark (83): The One With Relaxing Ninjas

CoverSnarkChristina2

Welcome to Cover Snark, where the people are snarky and the covers quiver in fear. Since I don’t write many snarky book reviews here on A Reader of Fictions, Cover Snark is my outlet. If you click on the title of the book, where possible, I’ve linked to Goodreads. Clicking on the cover itself will show you the cover in a larger size, in most cases. Feel free to love covers I hate and vice versa. Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

Shiny and New:

1. Summer on the Short Bus – Bethany Crandell
Summer on the Short Bus - Bethany Crandell
Thoughts: This looks like art from some of the comics in the newspaper. Like, Cathy goes YA or something.

2. Rush – Nyrae Dawn
Rush - Nyrae Dawn
Thoughts: Gay football players in mainstream new adult. Christina approves. *insert bum rush pun here*

3. The Seat of Magic (The Golden City #1) – J. Kathleen Cheney
The Seat of Magic
Thoughts: I would like her outfit. Particularly the gloves. And her hair. The fountain in the background makes me giggle for some reason, but whatever I’m shopping here.

4. Through to You – Lauren Barnholdt
Through to You - Lauren Barnholdt
Thoughts: Through the window to your lips.

5. Scarred Beautiful – Beth Michele
Scarred Beautiful - Beth Michele
Thoughts: Who thought love DOES have to hurt? Like, if love HAD to hurt, no one would want it. New adult, you cray.

6. Sinner – Maggie Stiefvater
Sinner - Maggie Stiefvater
Thoughts: Okay, there are two things I remember about Cole’s past. I just don’t remember it being this orange.

7. Tainted (Torn #3) – K.A. Robinson
Tainted - K.A. Robinson
Thoughts: His penis got diseases from the Chumash tribe!

8. Dovetailed (Immortal Essence #3) – RaShelle Workman
Dovetailed (Immortal Essence #3) - RaShelle Workman
Thoughts: See, I’m now just imagining that under the dress, she has a feather tail like those doves flying around her.

9. Rusty Nailed (Cocktail #2) – Alice Clayton / Screwdrivered (Cocktail #3) – Alice Clayton

Rusty Nailed - Alice Clayton
Screwdrivered - Alice Clayton

Thoughts: To what depths verbing has fallen. Speaking of falling, that seems imminent in both of these circumstances. This series really puts the cock in cocktail.

10. The Faerie Queen (The Faerie Ring #4) – Kiki Hamilton
The Faerie Queen - Kiki Hamilton
Thoughts: The mirror thing actually looks awesome and makes me want to rewatch The Tenth Kingdom. That tagline, however, needs to go.

11. Undiscovered (Unremembered #0.5) – Jessica Brody
Undiscovered – Jessica Brody
Thoughts: It’s nice for a novella. Actually, on further reflection, I think I prefer it to the series covers.

12. Between – Megan Whitmer
Between - Megan Whitmer
Thoughts: The posing makes me laugh, because she’s standing above him, meaning she could pee on him, like a bird taking off to fly.

13. Destined for Doon (Doon #2) – Carey Corp & Lorie Langdon
Destined for Doon (Doon #2) - Carey Corp & Lorie Langdon
Thoughts: A ginger and a dress and a castle and Disneyish font. Pretty cool, though Doon looks like Doom, which isn’t really a tempting destination.

14. Twelve Steps – Veronica Bartles
Twelve Steps - Veronica Bartles
Thoughts: On pointe no less.

15. Unrequited – Emily Smith
Unrequited - Emily Smith
Thoughts: Bahahahaha, nope nope nope. I can’t see anything but the heart lipstick. She must be an incredibly creepy mime.

16. I Become Shadow – Joe Shine
I Become Shadow - Joe Shine
Thoughts: Question: Creepier as a shadow or as a person? I’m really torn.

17. Just Call My Name – Holly Goldberg Sloan
Just Call My Name by Holly Goldberg Sloan
Thoughts: Carolyn has been stuck in a jinx for three years, waiting for her nemesis to speak her name the third time. Until that day, she’s silent and must depend on the importance of body language.

18. Dangerous Creatures (Dangerous Creatures #1) – Kami Garcia & Margaret Stohl
Dangerous Creatures (Dangerous Creatures, #1) by Kami Garcia & Margaret Stohl
Thoughts: Dangerous creatures have a weakness for candy. Children have a weakness for candy. Coincidence?

19. Relax, I’m a Ninja – Natalie Whipple
Relax, I'm a Ninja by Natalie Whipple
Thoughts: The cover could be more ninja badass, but this wins for the title.

20. Knights of Rilch (Serengard #2) – Rachel O’Laughlin
Knights of Rilch (Serengard, #2) by Rachel O'Laughlin
Thoughts: This child has a burning castle in its head. This is even more imaginative than the way I picture my brain.

21. Waterfall (Teardrop #2) by Lauren Kate
Waterfall (Teardrop #2) by Lauren Kate
Thoughts: This is much better. But is she a mermaid now?

22. Fireborn (Souls of Fire #1) – Keri Arthur
Fireborn by Keri Arthur
Thoughts: Girl, no. You don’t whip your hair back and forth to put out the fire. Stop, drop and roll!

23. Lifers – Jane Harvey-Berrick
Lifers - Jane Harvey-Berrick
Thoughts: Huh, so it’s not a skewed reflection…more like players on a foosball table.

24. Premonitions – Jamie Schultz
Premonitions by Jamie Schultz
Thoughts: And yet everyone in the world saw that tagline coming from a mile away.

25. Broken – Vanessa Skye
Broken - Vanessa Skye
Thoughts: Unfortunately, the title’s very hard to read except in the large version.

26. Shiver/Linger/Forever (The Wolves of Mercy Falls #1-3) – Maggie Stiefvater
Wolves of Mercy Falls trilogy - Maggie Stiefvater
Thoughts: They’ve redesigned the Wolves of Mercy Falls, and I…don’t care. I think they’re less artistic, but they’re paranormaly. Whatever.

27. Persephone: Goddess of the Not So Undead – Regan Wolfrom
Persephone Goddess of the Not So Undead - Regan Wolfrom
Thoughts: I should have known that a zombie Persephone myth would be on its way. I’m a bit curious why that zombie’s mouth is open to the sky. Maybe someone shot it through the face.

28. Witch Rising (Witch Song #2.5) – Amber Argyle
Witch Rising - Amber Argyle
Thoughts: The font still doesn’t fit the rest of the cover, but the art on these covers is gorgeous. Look at the dragons!

29. Invisible – L. A. Remenicky
Invisible - L. A. Remenicky
Thoughts: You keep using this word. I don’t think it means what you think it means. Or these invisible people are surprisingly easy to locate.

30. Lodernde Schwingen (Grischa #3) – Leigh Bardugo
Lodernde Schwingen (Grischa #3) - Leigh Bardugo
Thoughts: This is the German cover of Ruin & Rising. I wouldn’t necessarily trade it for the awesomeness I expect from the US edition, but the German covers for this series are really interesting.

31. A Boat Made of Bone (The Chthonic Saga #1) – Nicole Grotepas
A Boat Made of Bone (The Chthonic Saga #1) - Nicole Grotepas
Thoughts: Not nearly as creepy as the raft in The Watchmen. Try again.

32. Betrayal (In Darkness We Must Abide #10) – Rhiannon Frater
Betrayal (In Darkness We Must Abide) - Rhiannon Frater
Thoughts: Have her hands turned into giant shadow claws? That’s…interesting.

Cover Battles:

1. Gameboard of the Gods (Age of X #1) – Richelle Mead

Gameboard of the Gods
Gameboard of the Gods - Richelle Mead

Hardback vs. Paperback: I knew that was coming. The new one’s more typical PNR, but I do think it looks better.

2. Sea of Shadows (Age of Legends #1) – Kelley Armstrong

Sea of Shadows
Sea of Shadows - Kelley Armstrong

US vs. UK: UK’s not been doing so well lately, but it’s winning again. Are the UK covers getting their mojo back!?!

3. What Angels Fear (Sebastian St. Cyr #1) – C.S. Harris

What Angels Fear
What Angels Fear (Sebastian St. Cyr #1) - C.S. Harris

Original vs. Redesign: Well, that looks like a completely different book. As in, it doesn’t look like Christian fiction anymore. It looks Austen-y. Yessss.

4. Clipped Wings (Clipped Wings #1) – Helena Hunting

Clipped Wings
Clipped Wings - Helena Hunting

US vs. UK: Wow, I think this wins for best new adult cover so far. Two different covers and they’re both not standard and actually pretty good looking.

5. Me, Him, Them, and It – Caela Carter

Me, Him, Them, and It
Me, Him, Them, and It - Caela Carter

Hardback vs. Paperback: Clearly they’re trying to trick people into a pregnancy book by not showing what the book is about on the cover. The hardback at least suggests it, but the paperback’s mad stealthy.

WTF of the Week:

WTF of the Week began as a special category for one cover I saw, but was so popular it became a recurring feature. Here, I highlight covers, both new and old, that I’ve found, which, upon viewing, made me either snort or say something along the lines of “Dear God, what is that thing?” If you would like to be part of the fun and have spotted a truly hilarious or horrifying cover, submit it and your snark to readeroffictions@gmail.com and you might be included, though I will filter through submissions and limit the number of entries per week.

1. Adam’s Fall (Touch of Tantra #2) – Liv Morris
Adam's Fall
Thoughts: Two aspects of this cover strike me as particularly hilarious: 1) It’s a hetero romance, but I totally thought it was m/m and 2) Adam’s FALL isn’t necessarily a great title for a sexy book. Should it be Adam’s RISE? Or Adam’s MASSIVE MANHOOD? This sounds like it’s about Adam’s struggle with erectile dysfunction.

2. Fairway to Heaven – Lily Malone
Fairway to Heaven - Lyly Malone
Thoughts: It’s a golf pun. And sand breasts in a lacy bra. Because creepiness.

3. Making Out with Blowfish – Brian Sweany
Making Out with Blowfish - Brian Sweany
Thoughts: Actually, it’s frogs you kiss to find a prince, not blowfish. And that was a metaphor, hon.

Outstanding Cover of the Week:

Lodernde Schwingen by Leigh Bardugo

The Outstanding Cover of the Week is chosen by a Cover Snark reader. They are free to pick any of the week’s covers, whether they’re to my personal tastes or not. If you’d like to choose the cover for a week, either email or tweet me. You will need to be available Wednesday evening to consult.

Lodernde Schwingen (Grischa #3) - Leigh Bardugo

Today, I’ve got my dear Belgian friend Ellis (The Random Transliterator) on the blog with me today, who has selected the German cover of Ruin & Rising by Leigh Bardugo. Here’s why:

“Can we just talk about how “Ruin” and “Rising” are literally in the background of this cover? Can we also just talk about how Alina’s hair fans out into a phoenix tail, which I hope is a hint because I love it when covers are actually relevant to the story within the pages. I don’t know who came up with the idea of making these watercolour paintings, but that person is a genius and seriously talented and can they please come redecorate my bedroom? This cover is so gorgeous that I’m tempted to buy the book, even though my German nowadays is limited to einfach buchstabieren. Gorgey porgey, oh jah!”

To learn more or purchase: Goodreads|Amazon|TBD

34 responses to “Cover Snark (83): The One With Relaxing Ninjas”

  1. Alessandra says:

    My favourite cover of the week: The Seat of Magic! Also, zombie Persephone.
    Alessandra recently posted…Title: Elite by Rachel van DykenMy Profile

  2. 1. My dad always rode on the short bus when he was a kid, so his book would be Life on the Short Bus. That was the only bus in the county because there weren’t enough kids for a full-sized bus.

    3. I’ll take her outfit in black or a dark burgundy red, please.

    6. I thought his hair was growing tentacles for a second.

    8. Stripping in space: Not as fun as it sounds. Also, I think there was a previous cover for this book, making this one a redesign.

    9. *gives the covers the donkey kick reserved for books by P2P authors*

    10. Ooooohh. That IS a freaky cover. I kinda like it. But yeah, the taglines for all the books have been awful.

    12. Well, if you look at it that way, maybe there’s a reason all the trees on the bottom are bare and their leaves are red…

    13. That’s a very cute dress. I’D WEAR IT.

    17. I like your version of it much better than I like the actual premise of the book.

    18. I THINK NOT. But what does that make me? I have a weakness for candy too.

    21. Definitely better, but how skinny she is scares me.

    28. Damn, that IS pretty cool.

    31. A BOAT MADE OF BONES ON A SEA OF FLAMING DOOOOOOOOOM! That sounds like the start of a morbid song one would sing while drunk.

    1. I guess Richelle made a good enough apology to whoever designed this for running over their dog five times and stealing the last cupcake from the company breakroom when it belonged to the designer. A decent cover! Yay! She still has more work to do with the designer of the Bloodlines books.

    2. I was waiting for a call of “Hi, fantasy bird!” but seeing as it’s a two-headed demon bird-thing, I see why you didn’t do it now. DEMON BIRD-THINGS. THEY WILL EAT YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.

    2. Everything about this cover is wrong and I never want to see it or speak of it again.
    Ashleigh Paige recently posted…Review: The Impossible Knife of Memory by Laurie Halse AndersonMy Profile

    • Christina Franke says:

      . Wow, I cannot imagine such a tiny school. It’s like he lived on the more modern Little House on the Prairie.

      3. I will keep that color, thank you.

      6. Bahahahah. A TWIST.

      8. It may be. I am lazy and don’t go out of my way to find out if it should be a cover battle, since it’s twice the work. >.< 9. Go right ahead. 10. This one’s still the best of the lot, though. Not a face with colored lights! 12. YOU ARE GROSSER THAN I. *crowns you with toilet paper* 13. I would too, but not with the little jacket thing. I’ll wear the green jacket thing with my black ball gown for color variation. 17. Which I did not read. I like to keep my inspiration pure. 18. I mean, so do I. But CHILLUNS. THEY ARE EVIL. 21. Next to the one on the first book, she’s totally healthy looking. 31. It sounds like the songs the kitchen maid would sing in TID. I hate that I know this. 1. She’s done SOMETHING to the designers and I would like to know what it is. 2. It’s like a dragon bird. Named fluffy. 2. I am glad that I’m not the only one who’s sincerely upset by this cover.

  3. The WTF covers have me going all WTF!… is this craziness? O_o

    The dude with the barely there covering his privates MAY have scarred me FOR LIFE. What has been seen cannot be unseen.

    Also, someone please explain to me WHY THERE’S A GOLF BALL STUCK BETWEEN HER BOSOMSSSSS?! The madness.
    Lisa (Fic Talk) recently posted…Comment on Cover Reveal: Awaken by Nina Lane by Nina LaneMy Profile

  4. 1. It feels more like a movie poster to me.
    2. I’m not a fan of such covers, but I approve that there are two gay man on it.
    3. Oehh, I love the clothes too.
    6. Not a fan..
    10. I like it, very fairytalish.
    11. Not bad, I like the colours.
    13. I’d prefer another font, but I like the overall vibe 😀
    15. Reminds me of the Queen of Hearts.
    19. I agree, that is a fun title.
    21. I like the filter over the picture. It’s so serene.
    28. I love them.
    30. The US covers are my favourite, but I do like these.

    Sea of shadows, like both of them, but I think I prefer the UK one too. Me, him, them and it: I prefer the redesign. Adam’s fall, his eyes are creepy!
    Mel@thedailyprophecy recently posted…FF 22. Growing up as a reader.My Profile

  5. 9. Cock in cocktail & 29. I don’t think this means what you think it means. Bhahahahaha. Day made.
    Natalie @Natflix&Books recently posted…Roomies (Early Book Review)My Profile

  6. Ellis says:

    Who are you talking to?
    Ellis recently posted…Review – Things I Can’t ForgetMy Profile

  7. Ellis says:

    I just want other readers/commenters to know that Christina removed the original comment. I am not just talking to this blog at random, even though that’s what I do. I wish you all a merry Christmas. It’s coming.
    Ellis recently posted…Review – Things I Can’t ForgetMy Profile

  8. Ellis says:

    Christina is messing up the order of my comments. This is what you get when you put a grinch in charge.
    Ellis recently posted…Review – Things I Can’t ForgetMy Profile

  9. Ellis says:

    I agree with the Outstanding Cover of the Week choice. Everything she says is spot-on. Also, she is one sexy chick.
    Ellis recently posted…Review – Things I Can’t ForgetMy Profile

  10. Ellis says:

    Do you even know why Adam fell? Or Jesus wept?

    TO THE BIBLE
    Ellis recently posted…Review – Things I Can’t ForgetMy Profile

  11. Ellis says:

    Hair isn’t part of an outfit.
    Ellis recently posted…Review – Things I Can’t ForgetMy Profile

  12. Ellis says:

    A Reader of Fictions is trolling me.
    Ellis recently posted…Review – Things I Can’t ForgetMy Profile

  13. 3. “Seat of Magic” + fountain = sure-fire bidet joke

    8. Button/zip that dress, woman! Yeesh.

    9. Nope nope nope nope ow ow ow ow (rustynailed?! WHAT?! NO)

    1o. It looks empty. I was honestly expecting the mirror to have a face.

    15. OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

    17. *hums* say my name say my name say my name

    18. Oh please tell me no one’s going to eat that thing off the ground.

    19. Ninjas don’t say they’re ninjas! Why does no one seem to get this?

    CB2. Ooooh! I like the UK’s much better than the US’s swirly thing.
    Shae/Shelver @ Shae Has Left The Room recently posted…Holiday Celebrity Gift GuideMy Profile

  14. Katie says:

    OMG the golf one. I just died laughing. Like, literally died. This is me typing from beyond the grave.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    Katie recently posted…The One Where I Ask for HelpMy Profile

  15. Kayla Beck says:

    3. I would like to have the shirt and jacket, please. I think I should start dressing like that, only with pants.

    4. I’m tired of the goddamn glare, publishers! Stop this shit already!

    5. See above.

    6. Oh look, more glare. I can do it, too! *glares*

    8. The Fallen Queen looks good compared to this.

    9. I bet “Jackhammered” will be book #4!

    12. This is gross, but all I can think is that maybe she’s on her period.

    CB1. I’m sad because I do like this cover better, and I bought the other based on the cover alone. I guess that means I have to be terrible and buy the new one, too. *sigh*
    Kayla Beck recently posted…Joint Review: Hunted by Kevin HearneMy Profile

  16. Angie F. says:

    2. I love Nyrae Dawn even more now!

    8. I like it, but I miss the over-the-top colorful and sparkly original covers!

    12. *quints* Is that Adam Levine? 😛

    18. Interesting.

    Battles
    1. I hate them both. Richelle Mead’s books shouldn’t be allowed to have covers.

    4. I think I like the US better.

    5. This book makes me so angry. I say set fire to them both.

    WTF.

    1. Naked man cover. *yawn*

    2. HAHAHA

    3. Sounds prickly.
    Angie F. recently posted…Review: Last Sacrifice (Vampire Academy, #6) by Richelle MeadMy Profile

  17. 1. I agree with you. I do think this is adorable though. And colorful.

    6. Is this set in Florida? Because it looks like it should be. Wolves in Florida? Now that is something.

    15. I expected this to be about geishas or mimes. It is about neither. *sigh*

    16. That right eye is SUPER creepy.

    20. Oooooh! Gorgeousness!

    27. Burst out laughing at the corniness of the zombie. Not good.

    WTF1. Hahahahaha at your comments! You are right on!
    Kara @ Great Imaginations recently posted…Book Review: The Kingdom of Little Wounds by Susann CokalMy Profile

  18. Galoshes. Those WTF covers… Crazy, crazy, crazy. Who even comes up with these things? No, I don’t want to know. I take it back!

    But that dress for #3 is beaaa-ut. Another cover dress that I’d buy.
    The Airship Librarian recently posted…Top Ten New to Me Authors of 2013My Profile

  19. Gillian says:

    1. I kind of like these comic-esque, illustration-y covers
    2. Gives a whole new meaning to the term “tight end”! BADUM TSH
    9. I CANNOTE EVEN WITH THOSE TITLES
    21. Okay, this cover is actually pretty gorgeous. At least she appears to have an actual bottom half of her body.
    26. WHY DO THEY ONLY REDESIGN THE ALREADY GORGEOUS COVERS STOPPIT PUBLISHERS STOPPIT
    27. I just chokelaughed at that zombie HE LOOKS VERY HAPPY. Also, that is NOT how silhouettes work.
    CB1. They redesigned these. THERE’S A SHOCK.
    CB2. Oooh, I like both of these. But that UK double-headed dragon phoenix thing is the shit.
    CB3. I know most people don’t approve of this redesign, but ME LIKEY. I’m much more interested in the book on the right than the snoozefest on the left.
    WTF1. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
    WTF2. Sand breasts holy shit SAND BREASTS
    WTF3. WTF
    LOL at the way Ellis Georgia-ed all over that 😀
    Gillian recently posted…Review: Defy by Sara B. LarsonMy Profile

  20. Wait…can I just ask why you quoted that specific line from Anya for the Twisted cover, hahaha? It made me laugh really hard, but it was super out of nowhere! Also, do I get a prize for knowing the reference? 😛
    Miranda @ Tempest Books recently posted…The Impossible Knife of Memory by Laurie Halse Anderson {Book Review}My Profile

  21. WHY IS THE ADAM’S FALL GUY SO OBVIOUSLY MASTURBATING ON THE COVER OF A BOOK?!
    Miranda @ Tempest Books recently posted…The Impossible Knife of Memory by Laurie Halse Anderson {Book Review}My Profile

  22. I came here after Daily Dahlia (end of year survey) listed you as her new favorite blog and that she was a fan of Cover Snark – now I get why! I’m glad she pointed you out because otherwise I would have been missing out some good snark. I’m off to follow you and I have to say, I am really looking forward to more of your CS posts!

    WTF of the Week #1: You are hilarious and made me laugh out loud. Also, I agree, Relax, I’m A Ninja, is an awesome title!
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  23. Lyn Kaye says:

    8. I feel like a horrible person for loving this cover.

    15. Ick. The heart lipstick thing needs to go away.

    21. Is she melting!!??

    22. I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH!

    28. I approve.

    Cover Battle

    1. Hardback

    2. I still like the US one :<

    WTF

    2. OMFG that is just stupid.
    Lyn Kaye recently posted…Stacking the Shelves #69My Profile

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