Cover Snark (69): The One Which Will Scar You for Fairies

Welcome to Cover Snark, where the people are snarky and the covers quiver in fear. Since I don’t write many snarky book reviews here on A Reader of Fictions, Cover Snark is my outlet. If you click on the title of the book, where possible, I’ve linked to Goodreads. Clicking on the cover itself will show you the cover in a larger size, in most cases. Feel free to love covers I hate and vice versa. Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

Shiny and New:

1. World After (Penryn & the End of Days #2) – Susan Ee

Thoughts: Free-standing albino bat wings. Well, that’s different. IF SOMEONE STOLE BARTOK’S WINGS, I WILL GET REVENGE FOR HIM. I WILL GIVE THE THIEF A HA AND A HIYAH AND I WILL KICK THEM, SIR.

2. Without You (Stripped #1.5) – Brooklyn Skye

Thoughts: If she were in the world of Frozen, would she hire people to tear her hair out for her? Curiosity aside, she found her clothes!

3. To Steal a Highlander’s Heart – Samantha Holt

Thoughts: I’m pretty sure the key to stealing a highlander’s heart is hidden somewhere in her hair piles. Also, I have so read this abduction romance plot set in Scotland before. Does it bother anyone that stockholm syndrome is a popular romantic formula? No. Okay then.

4. Chasing Before (The Memory Chronicles #2) – Lenore Appelhans

Thoughts: Dang, I hate it when I put on so much mascara I can’t lift my eyelids to see how it looks. Even worse when I walk into my floating lamps. CURSE YOUR SUDDEN BUT INEVITABLE BETRAYAL, FLOATING LIGHTS.

5. Beautiful Beginning (Beautiful Bastard #3.5) – Christina Lauren

Thoughts: So she’s a princess now? Or she’s such a bitch she wears a tiara all the time to show how superior she thinks she is.

6. The Clockwork Wolf (Disenchanted & Co. #2) – Lynn Viehl

 Thoughts: This dress comes with the Anne of Green Gables stamp of approval.

7. Lawful Interception (Little Brother) – Cory Doctorow

Thoughts: The cover art for an e-novella. Matches the series, while also managing to suggest this is about Spider-man. Note the web-like cracking, the bridge from which innocent people are probably hanging in a bus needing to be saved, and the classy blue and red outfit.

8. In Control (The City #2) – Crystal Serowka

Thoughts: Text on the cover I can actually read! I approve! And a POC. Woooo.

9. The A-Word (Sweet Dead Life #2) – Joy Preble

Thoughts: ASSHOLE is always going to be the first word to come to my mind. Title fail.

10. Love Untouched (Unexpected #3) – Anne Leigh

Thoughts: A young woman falls in love with two swimmers at the same time. Ian is sweet and supportive, but a bit boring. Michael is a dick, but there’s something about him (perhaps his dick? or his monkey face?) that she cannot resist. Camilla doesn’t swim and, in fact, cannot get within thirty feet of a pool as she cannot walk without falling down even when there ISN’T water on the floor. They both love her passionately. What’s a girl to do? Give them an ultimatum, of course: whoever will wear their swimsuit bottoms with one side pulled up too high for the longest loves her the most. Obviously.

11. The Harlem Hellfighters – Max Brooks

Thoughts: ONCE MORE INTO THE BREEAAAAAACHHHHH!

12. Ten Days – Olivia Mayfield

Thoughts: Apparently this is based on an E.M. Forster short story which is boss. But that is not the cover. I don’t have much to say about the cover, though. Hmmm. City floating over model in building has never been my favorite design, but whatever.

13. Annihilation (Southern Reach Trilogy #1) – Jeff VanderMeer

Thoughts: Something tells me a lot of people will have trouble making those four lines of letters into a word.

14. Slightly Spellbound (Southern Witch #4) – Kimberly Frost

Thoughts: FLOATING CAT HEAD.

15. Since You’ve Been Gone – Morgan Matson

Thoughts: Okay, cover. It is your fault that I’m going to go watch Pitch Perfect again. Also, I need an ice cream cone. WHO’S WITH ME? I also approve of the fact that, rather than moping about a person being gone, she went and got her bestie and some ice cream. This is how the coping happens.

16. Luminary (Anomaly #2) – Krista McGee

Thoughts: What does that connect the dots W mean? I bet it’s science and EVERYONE knows but me. This is clearly my thing of the week.

17. Z 2135 – Sean Platt & David Wright

Thoughts: No idea what this is about, but I do like it. Is it about 2135 zombies?

18. Armada – Ernest Cline

Thoughts: I am thinking of Atari. Boop…..boop.

19. All the Colors of Love – Jessica Freely

Thoughts: Love it! Gay superhero will spread the rainbow!

20. Better off Friends – Elizabeth Eulberg

Thoughts: This really doesn’t click for me as a whole, but I do love the swings.

21. Steampunk Darcy – Monica Fairview

Thoughts: If that’s Darcy in the bow tie, then I must go weep. According to the summary, it’s a descendant of THE Darcy, but still no no no.

Cover Battles:

1. Unbreakable (Legion #1) – Kami Garcia
 
US vs. UK: US for being more original and the orange, I guess, but I don’t really like the floating head with one eye or the U. So. Yeah.

2. A Different Kingdom – Paul Kearney

Old Version vs. New: The new one stands out way more. The other is indistinguishable from most old school fantasy. Person on a horse in a cloak = THE MOST FANTASTICAL.

3. Precious Things – Stephanie Parent

Original vs. Traditional NA vs. New: Oh hey, I approve of this redesign. How cute is that new model? Generally, I think it just looks a lot more professional. However, I don’t mind the original either. Mostly, I just loathe the “sexy” one.

4. Lost Lake – Sarah Addison Allen

Take 1 vs. Take 2: WAY better than their first attempt. Now THIS looks like a Sarah Addison Allen book. Don’t like how large the author name is or the title treatment, but I still want to go to there.

WTF of the Week:
WTF of the Week began as a special category for one cover I saw, but was so popular it became a recurring feature. Here, I highlight covers, both new and old, that I’ve found, which, upon viewing, made me either snort or say something along the lines of “Dear God, what is that thing?” If you would like to be part of the fun and have spotted a truly hilarious or horrifying cover, submit it and your snark to cynicalsapphire@gmail.com and you might be included, though I will filter through submissions and limit the number of entries per week.

1. Bump in the Night – Rachel Haimowitz, ed.

Thoughts: Thanks to Nafiza for spotting this beauty. You can guess what they mean by “bump” in the night. *cue George Takei* (Also, make sure not to miss the ghost hands.)

2. Teach Me Love – S. Moose

Thoughts: When you’re asking a mannikin to teach you love, it is too late. (Her skin is gray! I call mannikin. Two living models are just too costly.)

3. Saving Alexander – Susan MacNicol

Thoughts: What really cracks me up about this one is that it looks like Lady Gaga’s Alejandro music video got mixed up with her Paparazzi video.

4. Strange Angels – Andrea Speed

Thoughts: I call statutory rape. HANDS OFF, YOU CREEPY MERMAID ANGEL WITH LIGHTNING WINGS. Props to Experiment BL626 for your current need for brain bleach.

5. The Goodreads Killer – Dave Franklin

Thoughts: You’re braver than I am if you accept THAT review request. Thanks to Shae for spotting this creeper!

6. Call of the Piss Fairy – Lee Allen Howard

 Thoughts: I cannot add to this.

Outstanding Cover of the Week:

Nothing inspired huge amounts of love this week. Plenty that I liked, but nothing mind-blowing.

35 responses to “Cover Snark (69): The One Which Will Scar You for Fairies”

  1. thebookwurrm says:

    The last one…I can’t even. ….

  2. Bump in the night: wtf is that tentacle doing???

  3. Andrea C. says:

    1) Barok! NOOOO! Give him back his wings, this instant! Christina, we must avenge him.

    18) He does have a thing for the 80s, so you might be dead on with that Atari thought

    19) Imagine the theme song!

    As far as Call of the Piss Fairy I don’t even know. On so many levels, I just do. Not. Know.

  4. Liviania says:

    Great taste in covers – I generally liked the ones you liked.

    And The Goodreads Killer looks hilarious, although I don’t know if it would be so in a good way or a bad way.

  5. meg says:

    1. Anastasia reference FTW!!

    15. Pitch Perfect + ice cream = I’m there.

    WTF 5.I can’t believe this is a real thing.

    WTF 6. WHAT IS THAT AND WHY IS IT HAPPENING?! WHERE DO YOU FIND THESE THINGS??? WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA? WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO US? My brain hurts and I’m going away now.

  6. GillyB says:

    1.You know, you really should watch your blood pressure. My nephew Izzy just keeled over mid-mango. Stress, it’s a killer, sir. And he was a fruit bat. No meat. No blood even.

    2. FROZEN REFERENCE FTW! Or more like FTL. Also, Brooklyn Skye? Isn’t that cute.

    4. What are her FINGERS doing?

    10. I’d read it.

    12. E.M. Forster and POC on cover overcomes the lame and done-to-death city skyline.

    15. Song stuck in head song stuck in head do not sing do not sing

    16. I LIKE! Also, don’t question the SCIENCE.

    19. GAY SUPERHEROES!!!!!!

    21. No no no no

    CB1. US, fo sho.

    CB2. NEW! The new makes me think I need to read this thing!

    CB3. I think the original is awkward. GREAT redesign.

    CB4. Soooo much bettterrrrr *adds to TBR*

    WTF1. I DID MISS THE GHOST HANDS! But not the festering sore on his pec. I’m sure that’s not what that is, but that’s what it looks like.

    WTF2. HE LOOKS LIKE HE’S GOING TO ASSAULT HER IN AN ALLEY THAT IS NOT A SEXY LOOK STEP AWAY FROM THE MANNEQUIN SIR WITH YOUR HANDS UP

    WTF4. Hahahahahahaa look at his face hahahaha omg hahahahaha

    WTF5. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD YOU WERE NOT LYING. I DON’T EVEN

    NO BUT SERIOUSLY EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS

    MEDUSA HAIR AND CAT FACE AND AND PUBES AND A RAZOR

    “HIS URINATION LET TO RUINATION”

    I thought Frozen had broken my brain, but now. THIS. THIS DID IT.

    • Christina says:

      1. I am currently trying to figure out how we can procure a time turner so we can watch every movie ever in one week. *crosses fingers*

      2. It’s just precious. I thought you and Giselle would like that.

      4. Holding a cigarette that they edited out because YA?

      10. Writing it now!

      12. Yeah, I’m curious about this one, I admit.

      15. Time for me to torture you with lyrics.

      4. Sarah Addison Allen is the BEST.

      1. You are welcome. Also, tentacle.

      2. YUP.

      6. EVERYTHING HAS BEEN DONE HERE. THERE IS NOTHING MORE WTFY.

  7. Lynn K. says:

    World After by Susan Ee – After 2 years of waiting for the sequel the cover just doesn’t matter as much anymore. (okay, partial lie) It looks better day by day because it’s closer to the release date than ever.

    The WTFs this week…are just plain WTF. THAT LAST ONE ESPECIALLY.

    • Christina says:

      Yeah, the cover’s not very exciting, but to stick with the theme of the first, it really couldn’t be, could it?

      YOU ARE WELCOME. *passes the eye bleach*

  8. Jon Pilgrim says:

    I need to forget the WTFs of the week. Oh god, especially the last one.
    -Scott Reads It

  9. Bonnie R says:

    LMAO So, that last one caused me to lose all train of thought. Why. WHY. There is so much wrong I just.. can’t.

  10. I am literally laughing right now! The Goodreads Killer is just too awesome! Floating Cat head!!!

  11. Nikki says:

    Wait, wait, wait… there’s actually a book out there titled The Goodreads Killer? I shouldn’t be surprised by this, but somehow, I am.

    The girl from Chasing Before looks like she’d be a perfect candidate for a photo shoot on America’s Next Top Model, although, she’d never win it because she’s just not smizing enough. I do like the cover for The Harlem Hellfighters but it could make use of some zombies. There can never be enough of those. And is it funny that I thought of Pitch Perfect when looking at the title for Since You’ve Been Gone too?

    New reader to the blog, love this feature! Keep up the awesome work!

  12. Morgan says:

    1. Anastasia for the win!!! Yes!
    15. Such a cute cover, I love the summer feel and the friendship bonding with ice cream.
    16. I think the W is supposed to be the constellation Cassiopeia- maybe that’s where she goes in her space suit?

  13. Judith says:

    2. This looks like New Moon fanfiction. She would make a perfect Bella.

    4. *snorts*

    9. So… this book is about awful, annoying asshats who are all kinds of awkward?

    10. I think that’s a pretty accurate description of the actual book.

    14. Ummm, hey girl? You got a stalker.

    15. Cute! Morgan Matson always get the most adorable fonts.

    CB 1. US! It’s so much more original.

    2. EEP THE SECOND! SO COOL! I <3 it.

    WTF 1. Ahahahahaha. NOPE. I don’t that bump anywhere near me.

    2. a) He’s about to make out with hair. Is there even a face hidden in there? b) She does not look healthy, but he clearly doesn’t care. A girl is a girl right? c) I can only read S. Moose and think Smooch. Because that’s how my brain works.

    4. I’m sorry WHAT?

    5. Oh. My. God. I can’t even.

  14. Rachelia says:

    1. I haven’t read these books but I like their covers – simple but bold.

    2. Ehhhhh.

    3. Stockholm Syndrome plots are ewwww.

    4. I saw this earlier this week and I just don’t get it. It seems so weird. Just looked at the first cover and it doesn’t even seem like a series from the covers.

    5. I like the idea of these covers: bold color, b&w cut outs. But the images lose so much detail and look washed out and weird.

    8. DAMN I love this cover. Unfortunately, I’m not super interested in the book 🙁

    9. I really hate this one.

    15. LOVE it!

    19. AWESOME

    20. I have the same sentiments. Also, I feel like this will basically end up saying that boys and girls can’t be “just” friends 🙁

    Cover Battles
    1. UK for sure

    2. Woah these feel completely different. New.

    3. Definitely Original!

    WTF

    1. WOAH WHAAAT?!? Creepy hands and tentacle. Also why is there no author, just an editor?

    2. EWW grey skin!

    4. LOLOLOLOL what is this!?!? Look at that dude’s hair!

    5. I’m just shaking my head.

    6. MY EYYYYYYYYYYYYES! MY BRAIIIIIIIIN!!!!

  15. Tammy says:

    6. Call of the piss fairy: This makes perfect sense to me, if I had worms nesting in my vaginal region I’d be really pissed too.

  16. Okay I don’t have much to say this week except…

    WTF, especially the last one.

    My eyes!!!!

    Please brain figure out how to un-see what I just saw.

  17. Kat Balcombe says:

    1. *hisses* where is the PRETTY?!

    11. Oh the name of my town (minus an A), but Max Brooks? *hisses more*

    14. That is one fucking huge leopard/cheeta if its head is as big as a window *runs*

    16. Sciency thing? Eeep, no idea!

    17. If it’s Sean Platt and David Wright it’s probably either zombies, or the end of the world, or both.

    CB3. The new one kinda looks like she is trying to twist her own head off. The more I look at it, the more it freaks me out.

    WTF4. That little kryptonite-thingy around his neck is totally NOT working on that freak!

    WTF5. Bahahahaha. I wanna read it now 😉

    WTF6. *Falls over, dead*

  18. 1. Because there are bat wings, I demand demons. I DEMAND THEM.

    2. The cover was unremarkable, but your comment was A++. So Frozen is the new Tumble & Fall/book of choice to make the butt of a joke? I like it!

    3. It took me a moment to see anything but her hair. IT’S SO WEIRD. But yeah, she probably has a few keys, an escape rope, some mace, and a kitten in there because someone once told her IT’S NOT SAFE TO GO ALONE, SO TAKE THIS and handed her the cute little fluffy animal. However, the cat is out playing while she gets her freak on with the highlander.

    4. *steals everything but the heavy makeup; I use it more lightly*

    5. I was about to kick it, but then I saw her dress. WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER DRESS? The black and the white and what I think is floral lace and it’s so ugly I’m crying on behalf of what was probably a pretty good dress before a five-year-old with Photoshop happened to it.

    10. Your chosen pictures cracked me up so hard and I love you for it. There’s Mr. Le Gasp Face and Mr. Heeeeeey and I just can’t. DONE. (But not really because I need to get to the super WTF.)

    12. One of her shoulders is completely gone? It should stick out past her hair but doesn’t. Eek.

    14. WHY THE FUCK IS SHE POSING PRECARIOUSLY IN A WINDOW WHEN THERE’S A FLOATING CAT HEAD BEHIND HER? UF has some of the most ridiculous cover concepts.

    21. I’ve never seen any Pride and Prejudice apaptation, so that image of Darcy will be stuck in my head for a while. NOOOOOOO. HE LOOKS SO CREEPY LIKE HE’S ABOUT TO GO “HEEEEEEY, GIRL” BUT NOT THE COOL WAY RYAN GOSLING DOES.

    3. I fail to appreciate the adorableness of the new model because she looks like she’s about to twist her head off.

    2. I think he’s trying to communicate “this could be you” with his eyes and it’s not working. It makes me want to find my pepper spray and/or run for my life.

    3. The title + the model + my poor skills at recognizing celebrities = me thinking it was about Alexander Skarsgaard.

    4. …What the hell is wrong with his hair?

    We all know which WTF this is: SWEET JESUS. I laughed so hard I made several typos this around and had to go back and fix them all. The cat head and the lady body and the evil of the peeing fairy and the coochie guard and the fire and– IT’S BEAUTIFUL. I LOVE IT. WHY IS THIS NOT YOUR OUTSTANDING COVER?

  19. “Call of the Piss Fairy” WTF?! *head explodes*

  20. 13. You are probably right but I want this book more than anything!

    15. This cover is so cute! But why does it make you want to watch Pitch Perfect again?

    18. OMG yes. Atari all the way! I think that is the point though. Awesome!

    CB2. I REALLLLLY love the remake. That is stunning and weird and I love it!

    WTF2. She is gray! WHY IS SHE GRAY? Was that a boo boo? WHAT?!

    6. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! Is that for real? Who would read that? Who would WANT to read that? Oh my god.

  21. Brandy says:

    3) Didn’t you know? Stolkholm Syndrome is the sole reason Scottish Highlanders are able to reproduce. At least in the world-according-to-historical-romance textbook.

    6)Anne would read that book. You know she would.

    10) “Camilla doesn’t swim and, in fact, cannot get within thirty feet of a pool as she cannot walk without falling down even when there ISN’T water on the floor.”
    -Hahaha! Yes. Because she is not a romance heroine confused about love if she can walk without falling.

    13) I hate hate hate this trend of breaking up words on a cover. And yes, many people will spend more time figuring out the title (or not) than reading the actual book

    21)NOOOOOO! That is criminal.

    WTF 1: Don’t miss the ghost hands? What about the octopus ?squid? tentacle? What is that guy doing in his free time??? *Doesn’t want to know.*

    WTF 6: WTF pretty much covers it like nothing else can. My mouth dropped and then I was all SCROLL UP! SCROLL UP FAST! I really shouldn’t look at Cover Snark when my kids are still awake. 🙂

  22. 1. You win all the points for this reference. ALL THE POINTS.

    15. This is like a Taylor Swift music video. Little much.

    17. I don’t know, but it’s pretty.

    21. I can’t get over his beard. Bleh.

    CB2. Oh wow, love the new one.

    WTF2. I feel like she’s going to turn around and be nothing but a grinning skeleton, a la Psycho.

    WTF4. Ick. Also, the guy being kidnapped looks so meh about it all. Just faintly bothered at best.

  23. Stephanie says:

    So just for the record, the sexy cover is the ONLY one that’s gotten my ranking under 10000 in the kindle store…but yeah, I like my new one the best too. I stumbled across the image as a premade cover on a website and I just HAD to have it!

  24. Lyn Kaye says:

    Cover Showdown #3 – I would pick the new one!!

  25. Lauren says:

    1. Jeepers. Creepers. Where’d you get those peepers?

    2. There is a shampoo for that.

    9. When did having a clothes line with things hanging on them become a thing in the book cover world? And why would an angel go through the pain of ripping off their wings just to dry them quicker?

    13. Feed me Seymour!

    16. I think it is a constellation. But I’m probably wrong.

    18. Also, I think Link found the Triforce.

    WTF:

    1. Please tell me you did not miss the tentacle!

    6. ……….????
    Lauren recently posted…Cape Cursed by Janice Lane PalkoMy Profile

  26. Amanda says:

    I love these… I often comment on the covers to authors. I despise the overly sexy ones for no good reason. The old school fantasy must go too. I’m with you!!

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