Cover Snark (68): The One Where I Posted on Friday

Welcome to Cover Snark, where the people are snarky and the covers quiver in fear. Since I don’t write many snarky book reviews here on A Reader of Fictions, Cover Snark is my outlet. If you click on the title of the book, where possible, I’ve linked to Goodreads. Clicking on the cover itself will show you the cover in a larger size, in most cases. Feel free to love covers I hate and vice versa. Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

Shiny and New:

1. Trust in Me (Wait for You #1.5) – J. Lynn

Thoughts: Okay, I do understand having a pseudonym so the precious children don’t pick up your raunchy adult book to read, but WHAT IS THE GODDAMN POINT IF YOU PUT BOTH NAMES ON (AND ESPECIALLY WITH YOUR TEEN AUTHOR NAME LARGER)? Also, *snores at cover*

2. Alchemy (Chantress Trilogy #2) – Amy Butler Greenfield

Thoughts: CREEPY DUDE IS COMING FOR YOUUUUUU. RUN, BITCH, RUNNNNNNNN.

3. Flights and Chimes and Mysterious Times – Emma Trevayne

Thoughts: The adorbs! I want this to be an animated movie pretty badly. Usually I hate when they got font-crazy, but somehow it works here with a different font for everything.

4. The Bone Garden (The Goreys) – Christian Marotti

Thoughts: This is pretty cute actually, but I had no idea what the author’s name was, because a skull doesn’t really seem like a specific vowel to me.

5. The Winner’s Curse – Marie Rutkoski

Thoughts: I want to love this, but I just don’t know that I would connect this to the book. Steph says I’m crazy, though. So. There you go.

6. The Cormorant (Miriam Black Book #3) – Chuck Wendig

Thoughts: I kinda love these covers. How much of a badass is she? There are no fucks being given there. Absolutely none.

7. Raising Steam (Discworld #40) – Terry Pratchett

Thoughts: Uhhhh. Orange and green? Really? Also, I love Terry Pratchett, but it might be about time to retire this train, no?

8. Servants of the Storm – Delilah S. Dawson

Thoughts: Never would have thought just tilting a model 45 degrees would be so horrifying. And yet.

9. The Inheritance (The Inheritance #1-2) – Olivia Mayfield

Thoughts: There were four more of these, but they’re variations on a theme. Same dress in different colors with a new pose. Personally, I kind of like it. What I would REALLY like is that dress, especially if it magically changes colors. I dub this series JOSEPHINA AND THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOR DREAM DRESS.

10. Consumed – Skyla Madi

Thoughts: Big McLarge-Huge has a problem. He is consumed by guilt and curiosity to find out what happened to his missing gloves. He used to have two full pairs of fingerless gloves: one black, one red. One of each color has disappeared, and the hunt is on. Was it a thief? Was it a prank? Was it the washing machine? Find out in CONSUMED.

11. The Broken Eye (Lightbringer #3) – Brent Weeks

Thoughts: Author’s name is too large. Otherwise, ehhhhh. It’s okay. The tagline is lame, though. If the response to the tagline is DUHHHHH, then rethink it.

12. Stolen Innocence (Dueling with the Devil #3) – Vivi Dumas

Thoughts: I love the way the tagline and title are juxtaposing her innocence with the boob grab.

13. Down by the Water – Anna Cruise

Thoughts: You’ve gotta put your behind in your past. No, wait. That’s not right.

14. The Lovely and the Lost (The Dispossessed #2) – Page Morgan

Thoughts: I cannot figure out what is happening on her torso.

15. Ninety Eight – Shannon Mayer

Thoughts: Ninety eight: the number of muscles that will be in distress when she wakes up having slept in this position.

16. Getting Lucky (TMI Mom #2) – Heather Davis

Thoughts: OH MY.

17. Stay Where You Are & Then Leave – John Boyne

Thoughts: Well, that’s pretty much how being places works. This cover brought to you by: Norman Rockwell.

18. Baby (Zom-B #5) – Darren Shan

Thoughts: Fuck this cover. Fuck this book. Take your demon baby special edition and get away from meeeeeee. All of the covers in this series are creepy, but why did it have to be this oooonnnnneeeee? *shudders*

19. Heating Up the Holidays -Lisa Renee Jones, Mary Ann Rivers & Serena Bell

Thoughts: If you open this up to the full view, you will see that the actual photo is pixellated and the font is not. FAIL.

20. Have Yourself a Merry Little Latte (The Coffeehouse Chronicles #2.5) – Michelle Miles

Thoughts: Little Latte is the worst name for a penis I’ve ever heard. Even worse than Ralph.

21. Precise (Pulling Me Under #0.5) – Rebecca Berto

Thoughts: I would hide my face too if I were going to be put on a cover with the tagline “She’s desperate to be loved.” Can you even imagine being THAT GIRL for the rest of your life?

22. Bold Tricks (The Artists Trilogy #3) – Karina Halle

Thoughts: What is she chewing on? This is going to be the thing where ALL of you know and I’m an idiot because it’s so obvious. It wouldn’t be Cover Snark without me not recognizing common objects. Also, what do you call that hair style? It’s like Punk bouffant. Is that a thing?

23. Daughter of Nothing – Eric Kent Edstrom

Thoughts: Why do so many cover models look like Amanda Seyfried? Even illustrated ones! Also, SPIDER WARNING. AMANDA, KILLLLLL IT.

24. The British Billionaire Bachelor, Act Two – Maggie Carpenter

Thoughts: THE SPANKING PSYCHIATRIST. My work is done here.

25. All Fired Up (Hot in the Kitchen #2) – Kate Meader

Thoughts: It’s always good when a series name makes me think of R. Kelly, right? Also, I’m guessing that food made with a main ingredient of love is not delicious. No way you’re getting me to eat that. Sounds like a joke out of a Will Ferrell movie is all I’m saying.

26. Winterbay (Conquered Earth) – J. Barton Mitchell

Thoughts: Pretty! But I mostly just love blue. I am, however, wondering why the font changes height at weird intervals.

27. Crazy Little Thing Called Lust (Naughty Nookie Simone #2) – Serena Akeroyd

Thoughts: Yay, now I have to listen to Queen. Winning! Also, I am cracking up at this.

28. That One Summer (Summer #3) – C.J. Duggan

Thoughts: It is a truth universally acknowledged that if you can only see one of a person’s eyes from behind another person, they will look like they are plotting the demise of that person.

29. On Solid Ground (In Too Deep #2) – Michelle Kemper Brownlow

Thoughts: Ironically, sand is not the most solid of ground.

30. Unravel (Linked #2) – Imogen Howson

Thoughts: Cool. That’s all I’ve got to say, though I feel like I should say something about the pose. But I’ll just move along.

31. The Here and Now – Ann Brashares

Thoughts: I find this cover disquieting. It’s like someone cut Blue Crush into triangles or something.

32. Love Letters to the Dead – Ava Dellaira

Thoughts: I know I said I would stop adding books to my TBR pile because of the covers, but LOOK AT IT.

33. Dawn of Eden (Blood of Eden) – Julie Kagawa

Thoughts: I feel like they overdid the vampire pale thing a bit. She’s looking a bit less undead and a bit more clown. Or maybe that’s just me.

Cover Battle:

1. Breach Zone (Shadow Ops #3) – Myke Cole

US vs. UK: Uhhh, yeah. Do I even need to declare a winner here? I don’t fucking think so.

 WTF of the Week:

1. From Chemo…With Love – Teresa Jones

Thoughts: Have you ever noticed that the worse a cover is, the more likely the cover designer’s going to slap their stamp on it?

2. Over the Rainbow – Brian Rowe

Thoughts: Shelver of Bookshelver’s Anonymous submitted this beauty, saying “Um, Christina, there are pterodactyls.” Toto, we’re not in Kansas anymore, are we? We’re in DINOTOPIA. AWWWW, YEAH.

3. Vacation from Hell – Drake Braxton

Thoughts: Cruise ship-goers had a nightmare vacation when the ship was unexpectedly attacked by a thousand foot man last Friday. There was one survivor, but he was unable to speak due to the shock. We may never know the exact details of what went down (aside from the ship).

4. Blogger Girl – Meredith Schorr

Thoughts: This is how I write all of my blog posts. GIANT KEYBOARD AND MONITOR. Four inch heels, flamingo style. You might want to know how I type, but that’s a trade secret, bitches.

5. Blindsided (Transparent #2) – Natalie Whipple

Thoughts: Oh no. Dear UK cover designers, why would you do this? What I really want to know is how you manage to order pepto bismol ice cream when no one can see you.

6. Mine – Scarlett Metal

Thoughts: Also known as the cover I freaked Steph out with. As one does.
 

Outstanding Cover of the Week:
Servants of the Storm by Delilah S. Dawson

Learn More:

26 responses to “Cover Snark (68): The One Where I Posted on Friday”

  1. I agree with #1. What’s the point of writing under a different name if you have both on there?! I don’t get it. And wow.. some of those covers.. what are people thinking?!?

  2. Disquietus says:

    1-There is no point. NONE.
    2-I will never be able to look at this cover the same way again.
    3-I love that cover. And I really do like the different fonts. Super cute.
    5-I like her…dress. The sideways lettering is weird.
    10-Isn’t it always the washing machine? He looks lik ehe’s grieving for his missing gloves pretty hard.
    12-BUT WHY ARE THERE TWO SEPARATE DUDES? I’M SO CONFUSED.
    15-LOL. Just lol forever.
    18-I’m going to have nightmares about this cover. I’m just going to pretend these books don’t even exist.
    21-Nobody wants to be that girl.
    31-I’m just excited that you used the word disquieting. I don’t know anybody else who ever uses that word. I’m excited for this book, meh on the cover.

  3. GillyB says:

    1. THIS PSEUDONYM LOGIC MAKES MY BRAIN HURT

    2. Liked the first cover better. Still not resurrecting this boring series from the series graveyard. SORRY CHANTRESS.

    3. ALL THE ADORBS.

    5. That’s how I felt about it. Completely gorgeous, impossible to read, and has absolutely no correlation to the pseudo-Roman world I was envisioning.

    6. I want to be her when I grow up.

    8. NIGHTMARES

    13. Lie down, before you hurt yourself.

    16. WHUT. (Also, if you think of TMI as The Mortal Instruments, this title becomes a thousand times funnier)

    18. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *stabs cover* *exorcizes laptop* *moves to new house*

    20. How about Princess Sophie?

    24. AUTHOR OF THE SPANKING PSYCHIATRIST OH MY GOD

    27. This thing called love I just can’t handle it…

    28. ROFL

    29. “sequel to IN TOO DEEP” *pictures her knee deep in said un-solid sand*

    32. WANT.

    WTF1. From… from chemo with… LOVE? With.. IVs and… and CHEMO and.. *mushroom cloud where Gillian’s head used to be*

    WTF2. She is also quite obviously under the rainbow.

    WTF3. THE SHIP PROBABLY RAN INTO HIS ROCK SOLID HAIR. OR HIS MASSIVE FOREHEAD. FOR HALF A SECOND I THOUGHT THIS WAS DAWSON. AND NOW I’M CRYLAUGHING.

    WTF4. THIS blogger girl would not say now to the handsome bearded man, however.

    WTF5. What the everloving fuck

  4. Octavia H says:

    Mwahahahaha!!! You win! You win all my laughs, my tears and the half a bottle of pepsi that just came through my nose!

  5. Early cover snark!!! This kind of made my day – which hasn’t been a great one, and looking through awful book covers is just kind of… comforting, I guess.

    5. THE DRESSSSSSSSSS. I hate having to turn my head sideways to read a cover, though!

    9. I really, really hate both those poses. They both just look really unnatural, and not even, like, model-type unnatural. Just really forced and bad. (Hi, I watch too much ANTM.)

    13. Is that Florence and the Machine?

    22. OH MY GOD TAKE THE RAZOR BLADE NECKLACE OUT OF YOUR MOUTH THIS IS A BOOK COVER NOT A MYSPACE PROFILE PIC

  6. Rachelia says:

    1. I like the blue or teal and b&w but totally with you on the two names thing!!

    2. Pretty except for creepy dude.

    3. I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. SO SO CUTE.

    4. I love how creative this cover is!

    5. The title is so hard to read sideways.

    6. WOAH. Going to check out these books because that cover is so awesome.

    8. EEEEK so creepy. I’m having The Ring flashbacks!

    12. So awkward.

    13. Pretty but a bit bland.

    16. EW

    17. Horrible title but I LOVE this look

    18. I just shouted at my screen. CHRISTINA WHY DID YOU INCLUDE THIS SERIES AGAIN *is terrified*

    22. It looks like a razor blade on a necklace.

    27. Kinda like this look but LOLing at Naughty Nookie Simone

    31. I see what you mean, but I really like it (except for the big eye, haha). I think it will look very pretty in print.

    32. COOOOOL

    WTF of the Week
    1. HORRIBLE title and cover. WTF for real.

    2. I miss Dinotopia.

    4. I saw this and thought of you, haha. EEK so bad.

    5. Ummm, I actually kind of like this, except for the creepy people looking in through the window, haha.

    6. ewwww ewww ewww

  7. Morgan says:

    2. Not a fan of this cover; it’s worst than Book 1, which wasn’t great.
    3. Haven’t heard of this but now I need it!!! Super adorable London cover.
    4. Like the idea but it’s too busy and hard to read for me.
    5. Really want to read this but I hate the vertical font.
    8. SO CREEPY.
    14. Book 1’s cover is awesome but this is just weird and boring to me.
    15. Beautiful. The subject sounds too dark for me (read the synopsis) but I like the unique title too!

  8. And this is the best way to end my Friday of awesome, torture, and books.

    1. Stupid pseydonym thing AND boring kissy cover? Nope.

    2. The way she looks, I think she sees him in the mirror known as the fourth wall. OH SHIT, GIRL. YOU CAN’T GO ANYWHERE. NOOOOOOO. But I want this, yes I do.

    5. I see they didn’t tweak the cover; it looks the same as it did when it got leaked. To me, at least. I can’t help but wonder if she’s climbing on a jungle gym alphabet, and then I wonder when I started thinking like Juliette from Shatter Me. Also, her dress: WANT.

    6. I didn’t like the second cover for this book’s series, but this one and book one’s cover? YOWZA. Gorgeous, though I hear they aren’t that great.

    12. And the guy in the background is like, “WTF? Do you really have to do that here?”

    14. That’s what’s lovely and lost: her torso/boobs. Also, hissss because I didn’t like what I could read of book one. At all.

    15. I KNOW WHAT TO BRING YOU WHEN I COME SEE YOU NEXT MONTH~! Big, pretty, high-quality print of this cover. 😀

    30. I like the reflection aspect of it, and I think it’s a lot better than the first cover. Clearer image, cooler pose, better color, etc.

    32. MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE. (This has been exactly what I’ve thought since discovering this book in Macmillan’s Winter 2014 catalog. So glad it has a fun cover too.)

    5. *facedesk* Just… Wow. I knew another cover like this was going to happen because the sequel here is only being published in the UK (the US pub didn’t want it, it seems), but YEEESH. Still awful.

  9. 1. The red was at least more… striking than this teal.

    2. For some reason they remind me of Eric and Sookie. All that blonde hair? Or all the TRUE BLOOD things that I reminded of when cover snarking? You decide.

    3. My favorite, by far. By animated movie, do you mean animated cover or was this one already optioned?

    4. Love that half of the proceeds are going to charity! A cute cover for a good cause.

    5. Very beautiful cover. I don’t know much about the story, but I really love the colors. The real thing I dislike is the horizontal text. That always gets me. I can’t.

    6. Oooh, I like it. I’m surprised, though, you didn’t snark on how there’s a road and an ocean in her shirt and her boob says Hello Mercy.

    8. SO awesome. I didn’t realize this one came out this week! Giselle featured it, but even still.

    13. You know, if this one didn’t have that tagline, I think I’d like it almost as much as #8, servants of the storm. I’m such a sucker for the textured, grungy covers. The font treatment is also really nice.

    18. LOLOLO OMG SO CREEPY. I scrolled past the top part of it, and now all I see are the gross teeth next to “Gripping.” o.o

    20. O.oo. I didn’t even think of that. But now that’s the only thing I see in the coffee, which I take it was supposed to be a heart.

    22. I don’t know but i really like the hair. It works really well with her cheekbones. Also, I think that’s either a dogtag or a razor. (???)

    23. Really?? I thought she looked like Scarlet Johannson (sp.?)

    24. o.O.

    27. naughty…nookie…simone………

    28. Very true, and I keep thinking that sparkle in the title is going to work on his teeth too – like Leonardo DiCaprio in The Great Gatsby.

  10. Katie says:

    10. That guy’s tattoo is so photo shopped that it’s not even funny. Actually, it is.

    13. Your comment made me literally laugh out loud.

    27. I would not want to show my face in public with a book that had that cover.

    WTF 2. Not just one rainbow, not a double rainbow, but A TRIPLE RAINBOW!

    This entire post made me crack up. Please do this again soon!
    Check out my blog, Book Savvy, at http://www.booksavvyblog.blogspot.com

  11. Every time I see one of the Zom-B covers in Cover Snark I think the following things (in order):
    1. Ahhhhhhh
    2. Wtf Christina?
    3. Will this series ever end? There can’t possibly be any more, right?
    4. Does Christina secretly do an evil laugh when she comes across a Zom-B cover because she knows how much it will freak people out?
    5. (Special edition for this cover) Is it a baby that was made a zombie or are zombies procreating. Are procreating zombies even a thing? Why am I even thinking about this? I hate zombies and I hate these covers even more!

  12. Celine J. says:

    1. I recognize this! It’s from cover number three of your previous cover snark: http://readeroffictions.blogspot.nl/2013/08/cover-snark-67-one-where-i-start-naming.html
    Originality people, is very important.

    3. This is adorable!

    5. *whispers* I don’t like this one as much as I expected to… I mean, it’s pretty, but… It has something to do with her hair, I think.

    8. This cover is creepy and I LOVE it.

    10. Bahahaha. I love your stories based on the cover!

    12. Ew. I don’t want to see this. That other guy looks pretty pissed – I would too if I were on that cover.

    15. LOL! I love you, just so you know.

    22. I have no idea what it is either, so you’re not alone!

    30. I actually really like this one!

    33. I hate that font. What were they thinking?

    WTF 6. Ewww!! WHY would you put this on a cover? Ew, ew, ew!

  13. Stephanie says:

    22. It’s a razor blade charm on a necklace–she mentions wearing it in Sins and Needles.

  14. I believe that is a razor blade that is also attached to a necklace, now chewing it seems a little stupid but so does having it on your neck… I love these posts they really do cheer me up 😀

  15. 1. I like that guy’s stubble. I don’t have any idea why they put both names on the cover either. It makes no sense.

    2. HAHAHA.

    3. Oh my god, I love it. All the cogs and the wonky moon and the stars *___*

    7. Discworld *#40*?! I still haven’t started that series.

    8. Nope, that’s creepy. There’s no way that’s going on my shelf, I say as I look it up on Amazon.

    10. Oh, I thought this was another Altered book.

    13. A LION KING REFERENCE?! *cries* Lie down before you hurt yourself.

    18. HAHAHHA. I jumped.

    22. Looks like a razor to me, and it’s making me cringe because that’s gonna slice her sooner or later.

    23. MORE SPIDERS. Whyyyyyyyyyy.

    30. I love this 😮 Even if it does look like she’s showering.

    CB. EEEEEEEEEEEEEE *___* I’m in love.

    WTF2. Oh my god, normally I would laugh but ERMEHGERD PTERANODON *flails*

  16. Amy says:

    Ohh I missed this yesterday!!

    2. That dude looks totally stalkery in the back!!

    3. Such a fabulous cover!! I love it.

    4. That is a pretty neat cover. I love how it says right on it that 50% of the proceeds will go to a charity too. That’s pretty great!!

    5. Cool cover. I like how the dress around her like that makes her look like a flower.

    6. She looks totally badass!!

    7. OMG number 40 of the Discworld series? I have the first 6 I think. I’ve only read 2.

    8. That cover is so creepy. I love creepy!!

    10. Hahaha!!

    12. It’s totally creepy that the dude in the back is watching them get frisky.

    15. That pose is very awkward. I don’t understand how she looks so peaceful in it.

    18. OMG! OMG! OMG!! *runs off crying*

    22. I really like the cover. I think it goes so well with the others. I believe she’s got a razor in her mouth.

    29. Haha!! I was thinking the same thing. Sand is not very solid ground. She maybe should have been standing on concrete.

    30. That is a cool looking cover. She looks pretty tough chick cool too!!

    32. So pretty!!!

    33. Cool cover, but the wavy font totally bugs out my eyes!

    WTF 4. If my computer was that big it would really hurt my eyes. Also, typing on the keyboard would be more like a game on one of those big piano pad things.

  17. Lesley says:

    I’m pretty sure 22 is an old-fashioned razorblade.

    This coversnark is pretty momentous – it’s the first time I haven’t added a single book to my to-read list. I’m quite proud of myself. And afraid for the publishing industry.

  18. Hannah says:

    I’m so glad other people have started to question the name logic behind #1. I was starting to get all WTF about it and wonder if I was the only one. It’s pointless. Utterly pointless.

  19. Tammy says:

    3. So cute! Why do middle grade authors get the covers so right and new adult authors get it so wrong?
    5. Love! I tend to like covers that have girls in elaborate dresses. Maybe because I’m a sweats or jeans kind-of girl.
    16. Ewww! Please tell me they’re not serving the picnic lunch for the kids on that table. Antibacterial wipes, anyone?
    Cover battle #6- No, no, no. That should not be on a cover to a book unless you want people to stare at you while reading it in public.

  20. Alessandra says:

    I love both Flights and Chimes and The Bone Garden!

    I agree, there’s no sense in using a pseudonym if your other name is on the cover in a larger font.

  21. 1. Does no one else hear Kha the snake in their head? “Trusssst in meeeeee…” I can’t even focus on the cover, honestly, because he’s in my head!

    3. Oh my gosh, a little animated movie a la that one animated paper short Disney did YESSS!!

    4. I keep confusing this book with that other book about horses that they were giving out at BEA. I don’t know why.

    7. Very cool.

    8. RUN AWAY! RUN AWAAAAAAAYYY!

    13. Ah! Lion King quote FTW!

    14. I don’t plan on ever figuring it out, because there’s no way I’m squinting at another girl’s chest.

    17. I think this one’s really cute! Too bad it’ll be some boring, depressing “literary” jaunt through some old dude’s memories.

    21. I fail to see what that title has to do with that cover or that tagline AT ALL.

    22. It almost looks like a can opener. Ow.

    23. I saw ScarJo the first time, actually.

    27. “Naughty Nookie”?? What the heck?

    28. I think… I that that boy and I have the same sideburns. o_O

    30. Ooh! This looks cooler than the first one. I think it’s the colors. And her clothes.

    32. DITTO

    33. I would’ve gone with evil Geisha. Maybe evil zombie Geisha?

    WTF1. I don’t have the proper emoticon to display the HORROR I feel right now.

    WTF3. “Aside from the ship” <--- HAHAHAHA! WTF6. MY EYES!!!! *runs out of the room, banging into things Buddy-the-elf style*

  22. thebookwurrm says:

    So there were several moments during my reading this post where I burst out laughing or choked on nothing.

    “You’ve gotta put your behind in your past. No, wait. That’s not right.”

    I think I just about died here.

  23. Scarlet Metal just gave me some indigestion. Horrifying, Christina! :))) You are so bad, leaving all these “beauties” right until the very end to freak me out!

  24. Judith says:

    A Cover Snark I HAVEN’T commented on?! Impossible!

    1. If I ever read a book like this one, I will be so tempted to write JLA down as the author, just to make a statement. This annoys me so muuuuch. All it does is give you more useless publicity.

    2. STALKERRRRRRRRRRR

    3. THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE COVERS OF ALL TIMES IT’S SO PRETTEHHHHH. I wants it.

    5. I like the font treatment. The face is weird though.

    6. See, I would like this, but it reminds me so much of that Beautiful Bastard cover. Meh.

    8. Ooooooh I like this! I will never read it though because creeeepy.

    9. *snorts*

    13. I quite like the Instagram filter for this one.

    15. Is that… comfortable?

    18. *scrolls away quickly*

    23. Her expression fits the title.

    30. I love these covers! That’s all.

    32. I LOVE THIS EVEN MORE! *pets font* *drools over pretty sky*

    WTF 2. Kids, don’t do drugs.

    3. Bahahahaha.

    5. Um. This looks like Barbie.
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